Sunday, December 19, 2010

What to do when shit happens?

  Yesterday and today I had the pleasure to do business with two women.  I've come to the firm conclusion that they were mother and daughter.  If I were to guess, I'd say the mother was somewhere around 85 to 90 years old.  The daughter I'd say was in her late 50's to early 60's.  
   They were in shopping and trying to figure out some Christmas gifts for family members.  The daughter is a non stop talker who won't shut her fucking mouth.  The mother is using a walker and slobbering all over the goddamn place.  Such a lovely couple here.
   They walk all over the store.  Daughter speaking in her loudest voice at a hundred miles per hour.  Mother walking like a fucking turtle knocking shit over with her walker.  My lord I love family bonding!  It's about this time I send one of the employees into the office to do some work before we close.  I take over the register.  Doing my job the best I can.  At this time, the loud mouth daughter and the geriatric mother are standing behind me looking at some merchandise.
   I try not to look but I can hear the daughter bitching, mumbling, bitching and mumbling.  I then look over and the mother is standing there behind her walker with a look of pain on her face.  I look away quick before she notices me staring at her.  As I'm looking away I'm thinking to myself.. "Is this woman going to die on me here at the register?"  "Is she going to fall over and the stupid daughter of her's not going to notice because she won't shut the fuck up?"
   I shake my head and look the other way again.  It's about this time I hear this low rumble from behind me.  It's a bbbbbbbbbrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrripppppp.  I turn around and that old bitch has a look of pain that I thought I was going to have to perform emergency surgery on her old ass.
   I turn away again.  I'm thinking to myself... "What the fuck was that sound?"  Then it dawn's on me that she farted.  Old cunt didnt even know she did it.  I laugh to myself.  If and when I get to that age I'm thinking I need to make sure that I take tons of "Beano" to not fart.
  A little bit goes by and daughter is still bitching and mumbling behind me.  Mother is half asleep leaning on her walker.  My Lord above life is grand here!  I'm either going to cut my wrists or drink myself to death if they don't leave soon.  I could feel the "GrimReaper" getting ready to take Mamma off to the promised land!
    It's then once again I hear this... bbbbbbbbbbrrrrrrrrrrrrrrriiiippppppp!   "What the fuck?" I'm thinking.  Once again I look over at the mother and this time I notice she's kind of half smiling.  I want to say so bad... "Did you just see baby jesus and you know the afterlife is a good thing?"    I kind of laugh to myself.  I'm thinking at this point I'm one funny motherfucker.  It's then it kicked me in the stomach.  This stench!  This fowl odor that lingers like death it's self.  I'm kind of getting sick to my stomach here.  I'm kind of feeling week in the knees.  I'm kind of wondering if this the same type of napalm shit they used in Vietnam?
    I don't know what the fuck that smell is but goddamn it sure is nasty I'm thinking.  About this time the loud mouth daughter screeches at her mother.  "Time to go Mom, lets get to moving!"  I'm thinking to myself.  "What a cunt."  About this time the Mother hobbles her cripple up old ass around to head for the door.  I'm thinking to myself .   It's about goddamn time.
   It's then I notice that dear old mother has shit herself in broad daylight in a public place.  She's got shit running down the back of her fucking pants!  To top it off the pants were white! The sad thing was, this wasn't a big ole turd in her pants.  It's one of times when you shit your pants and it's runny as all get out!  She could have shit through a screen door and never hit a fucking wire!  Goddamn the shit was running down her leg and the bitch didn't have a clue!  She didnt have a fucking care in the world.  
   She shit her pants and all she could think about was nap time!  She was going to go home and sip on some warm milk hoping that baby jesus doesn't call her name today.  LORD HAVE MERCY!  At this time I'm wanting to get on the intercom and start screaming at the top of my lungs.  DOODY ALERT!  DOODY ALERT!  DOODY ALERT!  I didn't.  My lord I'm a pussy!
    Long story short people.  If by chance you ever see me shit myself, put a bullet in me!  Make it quick!  

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