Friday, December 31, 2010

New Year's Rockin Eve!

  Tonight's the night.  It's the party night to end the present year.  I use to hammer down on New Year's Eve every year.  My lord did I have fun.  I think.  They call this night "amateur night."  What that means is that people of all kinds come out to get drunk because it's the worlds largest party.
    I sit here trying to remember what a New Year's Party was like.  It hasn't been to long since I got my freak on.  We used to go out at about 8pm to get the party started.  We used to walk in and scope out the bar to check for the hottest chicks.  We used to get dressed up hoping that these hot chick notice us.
    It's about 8:30pm when some more of your friends show up at the party.  You sit around talking and goofing about nothing.  After a few drinks, you get that one buddy who decides this party needs some action.  Here come the shots! Lord have mercy we need shots!  What takes 3 beers to do, 1 shot will do it faster.  You look up at the clock and notice it's 10pm now.  2 hours till the New Year!  
    About this time the bar is hopping.  Girls are out on the dancing shaking what their momma's gave them.  You look up and there more people then is allowed.  Your screaming to be able to keep a conversation.  IT's party time!  About this time another friend at the bar who you've haven't seen awhile sends another round of shots to your table.  Well Goddamn what a nice guy!
   You look over in the corner are 4 hot looking gals chit chatting with not a care in the world.  You tell the waitress to send over a round drinks for these fine looking ladies.  They get the drinks and wave at you and your friends.  Next thing you know, you and your friends are walking over to their table with more drinks in hand.  It's hitting 11pm and your starting to feel good.  You and your friends are talking with the hotties and you order another round of shots.  
    Thats when you get brave. You look at the beautiful brunette and ask her to dance.  Your out on the dance floor shaking your thang.  She's looking even better as you swig your beer while dancing.   Your looking over at your friends and they are giving you the "thumbs up".  Now your one tough son of a bitch who's turning on this sweet thing your dancing with.  She reaches in and whispers in your ear that your kind of cute.
    You and your new friend get back to the table.  MORE SHOTS!   It's 11pm and this party is starting to get going.  You look over at your friend Zeke and he's tounging some blonde's ear while twists her nipples.  I can't tell if she's drunk or really into this shit.  You look over at the other side of the table and their is your other friend Kent rubbing some red head's inner thigh.  She's kissing his cheek and trying to force feed him a martini.  I can't tell if he knows what he's doing but I think he's getting the hang of it.
     3 more beers and it's time for you to go piss.  You get up from the table and head to the bathroom.  Since it's a packed house tonight it's wall to wall people trying to move around.  About this time your feeling kind of queezy.  Your about ready to piss your pants and the line isn't moving.  In front of you is the biggest leather clad biker you've ever seen.  Your shaking in your pants because you have to piss.  Your stomach is churning because it's upset from the booze.  One of two things are going to happen.  Your either going to piss or puke.  About this time you let if fly.  Vomit all over the back of the leather jacket of the huge biker dude.  
    You turn around and slink your way back to the table.  When you get back there's another shot waiting for you.  While sitting at the table you unzip your pants and kind of piss on the floor.  No one's going to notice because it's under a table and it's dark.  You look over at your friends and by this time they've switched dates and are both playing tonsil hockey with the girls.
     About this time the hottie you've been flirting with leans over and whispers in your ear. "I have a touch of gas."  Because your buzzed and kind of horny all you hear is... "I need you to fuck my ass."  It's 11:35pm and your pretty much fucked up.  You lean into the girl your with and tell her how you want to lick her where she pee's.  She gives you that look of either fuck off or fuck me!
    Time for more shots.  You look over and notice Zeke is passed out.  Kent is rambling on about how he is the next leader of the free world.  Your looking deep into your gal's eyes telling her how you need to tickle her taint with your tounge.  My lord above your a true gentleman!  I look into her eyes once again and tell her..."There's a special place for me with you."  She smiles and being drunk winks.  She then asks where is the special place..  "Your pussy" I say.
    11:50pm and your drunker then a midget at a high jump contest.  Shit is out of balance now boy!  Kent is stuttering how he's got no money as i watch $10,000.00 fall out of his wallet.  Zeke is passed out talking in his sleep.  He's muttering something about if he doesn't get the dog home by noon his pee pee will fall off.  What the fuck has this boy been smoking?  11:52pm  I puke.  Shit happens.  My new love luckily didn't see.  She was to busy adjusting her boobs.  What for you ask?  Fuck if I know!
   11:53pm.  Zeke pisses himself.    11:54pm Kent shit's himself.  11:55 my new girl looks in my eyes and tells me she needs me.  Next thing you know in her drunken stupor she starts rubbing my junk.  *gulp*  About this time Kent yells at the top of his lungs.  "I'm not gay, I'm just happy!"  11:57pm my new girl keeps rubbing my wiener.  *gulp*   For some reason my "little buddy" is at full attention now.  
    Next thing you know, my new girl rubbing harder and faster.  "What the fuck is she doing?"  At this time I'm thinking i'm going to get some tonight!  Hell yeah!  Fuck yeah!  I'm the man!  11:59 and my new girl has stopped rubbing Senior' PePe.  Thats ok in my book.  Time for the New Year's kiss.  COUNTDOWN PEOPLE!  Were at 3 and I can't find my new girl.  I look and look.  Then i see her sucking off the new waiter.  What a cunt!  2  I'm pissed and what am I going to do?  Do I kick her in the twat?  Do I run for the door?  OH shit time is getting closer!  
    1!!!!!  Happy New Year!!!!   Well hell I think.  What a way to bring in 2011!  It's then I whip out my little buddy and piss down the back of the new girl sucking off the waiter.  Happy New Year to you honey!   I can't wait till 2012!

Thursday, December 30, 2010

The Prom Queen and all of her sluts.

  You ever know that one girl or girls who are the shit of every high school?  I have.  They are the one's no matter what come out smelling like a fucking rose.  They are the ones who bat their eyes and shake their tight little asses to get their ways.  You know what I'm talking about now.  The pretty girls who do nothing but make themselves known to each and everyone.
    The one's talk all nice but deep down you know they are deep throating the starting quarterback of the football team.  The one who will go on to college and become the head cheerleader for her university.  You know, the one who will become the valedictorian who bats her eyes and thanks everyone at the podium on graduation.
   Then there are the wanna be whores who think they are prom queen material.  They are a little bit dirtier then the prom queen.  They will give head and put some pussy out there as the popular boyfriend fingers her asshole.  She's the slutty prom queen wanna be.  God bless her and her dirty ways! You've got that girl who wants to be so popular she can tasted it.  She'll cut her own momma's throat to get ahead.  
     She's the gal who is involved with dance/cheer since she was a young little philly.  Then when she's old enough, she starts sports.  She might not be very good at the certain sport but she makes sure she looks good in the skin tight shorts!
    They win all the awards even if they don't deserve it.  Wanna know how they did?  It's because this little whore wanna be knows how to suck enough ass to get ahead.  She's kissing anyone with any kind of stroke to get her ahead.  It happens every year.  This girl can't tie her own shoes but she's receiving an all conference selection for her sport of choice.  She's terrible but her and her mother are stroking the coaches ego to get her ahead.
     Now here's where it gets real fun!  All of this kissing ass has finally gotten these certain boys and girls where they need to be.  Mom and Dad stroke the right people.  It's time for the birds to leave the nest and go to college.  God bless em all.  I hope homecoming queen actually learns how to suck some major cock if she wants to get ahead.  If not hunny your a fucked duck.
      I find out that our homecoming queen and her court arent to happy living in college and she admits that life isn't so grand because no one will pay attention to her and all of that bullshit.  I find out that some of her homecoming court are sucking cock to get ahead in college.  That's precious!  God Bless them and bless their pussy's!  I guess they are working on  getting ahead in the real world! 
      Now it's the end of the first semester and the queen isn't happy.  She's not the BIG fish in the small pond.  She's a nothing in a major university.  She's not to fucking happy.  Guess what girl?  Welcome to the real world!  Get your shit together and stop being a whiny cunt!  It's that fucking simple!    Now I want to thank the gals/guys who weren't that popular in high school and are doing fantastic in college.  I know your meeting new people and becoming more and more popular each and every day!  Thats fantastic!
    I want to see this each and every year.  Parent and students of the parents kissing ass to people instead of working hard, this is a perfect ending to your teenage years.  It's time to get your young asses to work instead of making sure you suck enough ass or your parents know the right people!  KEEP UP THE GREAT WORK TWEENERS!

Restraining orders.

 Zeke and I got a kid who works for us.  We'll call him Jake for the purpose of this true story.  We hired Jake back in late June or early July.  I can't remember for sure.  There's a chance I don't give a shit.
   Jake's a nice kid and all but his work ethic is something to be desired.  I've got a feeling he could fuck up a wet dream.  He's into NASCAR, MMA and fucking fat chicks.  I guess if that's how you want to live, more power to ya!  I kind of like watching MMA.  I hate NASCAR and fucking fat chicks unless there is a keg of beer and a high dollar bet involved.
     His life evolves around being sneaky and taking the easy way out of life.  I catch him fucking up all the time and it's beginning to piss me off.  Water under the bridge I say.  I'll let him fuck up more before we fire him.  He'll either get his shit together or throw himself off of a bridge because he has no more chances in life.  For awhile now I've been telling him that he needs to get right with everyone.  With work, family and his girlfriend/wife.
    He's been bringing his woman's daughter to work sometimes to show her off.  Cute little girl and such.  He's also got a son with this woman.  Hell the little horny fucker has another child in another town.  Poor bastard is paying child support for that shit.  After getting on this sneaky lil fucks ass for awhile now, he's starting to get his shit together.  He's listening and making sure he's doing ok.
     About a month ago Jake comes up to me at work and asks for advice.  He tells me that his woman isn't coming home at night, she's been hanging out with a known whore around town. blah blah blah blah.  I bat my eyes and say... "kick the cunt to the curb.  He didn't.  She hung out with the whore some more and then finally kicked his ass to the curb.  
     It's been back and forth over the kids for the last few weeks.  He said, she said and all of that fucking bullshit.  I'm telling this stupid fucker to drop everything and get away from this cunt fast!  He tells me he is.  BULLSHIT!  This little cocksucker is texting her and telling he's going to poop fuck her dog then kill it.  Something like that I mean.
     The popo is called on him and he gets that stern lecture they seem to give to morons.  He tells them he's sorry.  They leave his ass alone.  I'd hate to see this kid go to jail or even worse prison.  His asshole would be bleeding for months on end.  He does have a pretty mouth though...
     He tells me of what happened when the police were called.  I tell him once again to get his shit together.  He says he will.  For two weeks he's been on his best behavior.  He's doing good at work.  I'm kind of starting to like this little fuck.  Then BAAAAAAAM!  Popo show's up at my work with a restraining order against his skinny ass.  Saying he's a threat to society and shit.  Along with some officers I know we tell him not to talk to this fat bitch.  Do not call this fat cunt.  Do not text this fat whore.  Leave well enough alone!
      Guess what happens?  He comes to work this morning and shows me his cell phone.  This dumb cunt has been texting him and he's not responding.  Now it's time to call the popo!   Enough of the bullshit that the guy is always the evil one.  I explain to him how a pussy will make him stupid enough to kill, steal and die for.  It's that this pussy he's used to smells funky and aint worth shit!  The cops get ahold of her and verbally rape her fat ass.  She lies.  The officer calls her names and tells she knows she's lying.  I'm laughing my ass off at this time.
       I have this great feeling down deep in my gut that come tomorrow I'll be hearing the latest of this classic saga.  Honestly, I can't wait.  Moral of the story.  Keep away from skanky fat welfare abusing cunts from hell!

A new kind of country music star.

   Born May 13, 1966 in Charleston, South Carolina, Darius Rucker has made a name with the country music world.  Darius first started out with a band he helped form at the University of South Carolina.  The band was a local bar hit with it's cover songs of other bands.  They soon became known as "Hootie and the Blowfish".
    Hootie and the Blowfish went on to record 5 albums and have 6 top 40 hits.  They were the "it" band of the early 1990's.  A soulful voice led this group and motivated millions of people to sing out loud.  Rucker tried to release his own r&b album in 2002 with little fan fare.  
    In 2008, he released his first "country" album to an outstanding review. With this album Darius lends his soulful voice to make people think about life.  Think about tomorrow.  Think about it all.  Raised in a household with a total of 14 kids Rucker constantly sang throughout his childhood.  A father he never knew was a great tenor according to legend.  
    In 1991 Rucker's mother passed away at the young age of 51 years old.  In his sadness, he wrote one of the greatest if not the greatest Hootie and the Blowfish songs ever.  "I'm going home".  If you've never heard early Rucker music I beg of you to pick up some Hootie and the Blowfish albums.  This man's music can not be ignored!
    Some of the songs he has recorded are "Time, Hold my hand, I'm going home".  Then his country music career takes off with some of the greatest songs ever written and sang.  Some examples are: "Don't think I don't think about you, It won't be like this for long, Alright, History in the making, Come back song and This."
     Do me a favor and get some of these albums.  Do me a favor and go and see Darius in concert!  I promise you that you won't be dissapointed!  This is today's Bob Dylan!  Listen to the lyrics and sing along my friends!

Wednesday, December 29, 2010


   Once again I'm going to remind you how much I love football.  Doesn't matter if it's high school, college or pro football.  This is the greatest "game" going today in my opinion.
     My wife and I are sitting down watching tonights Alamo Bowl match up between Arizona and Oklahoma State University.  Were watching intently when all of a sudden an OSU player is flagged for putting down the hammer on a receiver of Arizona.  About that time my wife looks at me with that "what the fuck?" look.  
    She's says.. "You've got to be kidding me!"  "Thats how you play football!"  I couldn't agree more!  I've been noticing more and more this season defensive players getting flagged for hammering an opponent into the turf.  In the NFL they are getting fined thousand upon thousands of dollars for doing their jobs.
    What is the problem here?  Are the offensive players turning into pussies?  Are they to worried about their looks and maybe losing millions in endorsements?  The biggest bitch is that defensive players are supposedly "head hunting" their opponents.  I call bullshit on that talk.  
    They are worried about helmet to helmet shots happening.  I can understand that with a passion.  My problem is when a receiver comes down with a reception and a linebacker or defensive back is near them.  While the defender is in mid stride to make the hit, the receiver in 75% of the cases crouches down.  This is when helmet to helmet contact happens!  It's not the defenders fault if the receiver shits his pants and starts to lay down on the field.
     If a defender blatantly takes a receiver's head off with out care of their well being, then flag the motherfucker.  If in the NFL fine them as much money as possible and take their first born child.  That shit's uncalled for!  Just do me a favor and stop trying to take away the defensive players aggressiveness.  You will do nothing but ruin the game and you will have more and more high scoring games then ever.  What wins championships?  Great Defense!

Adam Robinson is an idiot!

  I just finished watching one of the finest games of the 2010/2011 college football season.  I just finished watching the Iowa Hawkeyes defeat the Missouri Tigers.  Great game from start to finish.  I wish the son of a bitch would have went to overtime to be honest.  I didnt want it to end.
   I sat here tonight watching "true" freshman Marcus Coker tear up the Mizzou defense all night long as he ran for a career high in rushing yardage.  Damn nice game for the kid.  This wouldn't have happened if it weren't for the nice guy sophomore running back Adam Robinson letting Coker play in his place.
   Wanna why Coker was playing?  Because Adam Robinson is a fucking idiot!  Moron, fuckhead, dumbcunt, shithead, retard!  Here's what happens when you sign a National Letter of Intent to play a sport for a major college.  For your signature, you get a free education, free housing, 3 square meals per day at "training table.  This contract you've signed is for between 4 and 6 years depending on certain things.  
    On the flip side, as an athlete you are supposed to represent your team and school with the utmost respect and making sure your an honorable rep for this establishment.  Adam Robinson was an "elite" all-state running back out of Des Moines, Iowa Lincoln High School.  He was doing things that other people only dreamed about while playing high school ball.  With his success, he was able to "obtain" a scholarship from the University of Iowa.
    This season as a sophomore, Robinson ran for 941 yards and 10 touchdowns.  Not to damn bad while missing a couple of games.  Here's where it gets kind of sticky for Mr. Robinson.  This dumb fuck decides to get sat down during a game for what the coach calls "academic indegestion".  Then after another player on the team gets busted for grass, cocaine and pills Mr. Robinson gets popped for a piss test he fails.  Uh oh!  No bowl game for you son!  Now Coker is playing in his place.
   Well while Adam is taking time off from the team because of his suspension, he decides to go back to Des Moines for the holiday's.  Bless his heart, he has family on his mind.  What a good son.  It seems that him and a friend are bored and decide to cruise the streets of Des Moines, Iowa.  OH MY LORD!  The POPO pulls the car over.  Why o why?  Stupid fucker driving didn't have a front license plate!  (Iowa state law says you have to have one.)  
   Then when Mr. State Trooper saunters up to the car he gets a wiff of something foul.  What was the foul smell you ask?  GRASS!  MARDIWANNA!  ALFALFA!   Fucking Robinson is arrested for possession of grass.  Now if I'm doing my math right, thats strike number 3 Adam!  
   If I'm you Adam, after I got out on bail I would have driven my stupid ass back to Iowa City and cleaned out my dorm room as soon as fucking possible.  Seems to me that your career is pretty much over for the Hawkeyes.  I'd look into finding a good drug recovery center to atleast make it look like your trying to clean your shit up.  I've got this sneaky feeling your scholarship will not be renewed anytime soon, so you better start looking for a school that will take you and your luggage.
   If Kirk Ferentz doesn't kick you off the team, I wan't to see his sorry ass fired for it.  I don't give a flying fuck if he just beat Missouri.  Grow some balls and man up Kirk.  Kick this puke off the team and move on.  As for you Adam, grow up and start being someone before I go through McDonald's drive through and notice you salting my french fries.

Tuesday, December 28, 2010

The obvious things in life.

  There are few things in life that are very obvious.  There are things in life that aren't so obvious.  As we all know, life isn't always filled with balloons and pretty flowers.  That's when you have to know the obvious.
    Here's a few obvious things you should know.  Never take a bath with a hair dryer.  Never call your boss an asshole if you really need that job.  Never sell drugs to an undercover federal agent.  Never bet on a dying horse.  Never ask a stripper for change.  Do not, I repeat, do not ever call an ex convict's mother a whore.
   Don't spit into the wind.  Never threaten the President of the United States.  Never ever tell your wife her mother's an idiot.  Don't tell a minister that Satan rules!  If I were you, I'd never tell my wife/girlfriend that her sister has a better ass then she does.  If your in a bar trying to get laid, don't tell the gal she'll be fuckable after about 12 beers.
    When eating a fancy place, never EVER send your food back more then once.  If you do, have fun eating a loogy with your steak.  Never walk up to a biker who's three times your size and proclaim how you would love to eat his ole lady's pussy.  When getting a traffic ticket don't ask the police officer if he's going on a diet.  This shit's pretty obvious.  Just do right!

Monday, December 27, 2010

New Year's Resolutions.

  It's that time of year.  It's when you reflect on the past year and wonder what you can do to make next year better for you and your family. So, I guess it's time for a New Year's Resolution.  I've been studying the top 10 and here's what I've found with my take on them.  Enjoy!
    10.  Get organized:  I am organized!  I've got all my shit in the corner where it should be.  On my desk at work is all of my shit piled on top of each other.  Thats how I organize!  Don't fuck with my stuff and all is well.
    09.  Help others:  In my line of business, that's all I do.  It's all about helping others.  I've got to be honest here.  After a while of helping others all the time, it's time to help myself.
    08.  Learn something new:  This is one I actually love to each and every year.  This last year I learned some spanish. (the dirty phrases only)  I learned some new cooking recipe's.  I love this resolution!
                                           07.  Get out of debt:  I can deal with this one.  The wife and I make great money but there are times when we are wondering how we are going to pay for somethings.  To the welfare cocksuckers who spend their money on stupid shit like basketball tickets and such, I hope ya'll get deeper in debt and have all of your shit taken away.
                                          06.  Quit drinking:  Ummm.  That aint happening!  How do you think I get inspired to blog like a champion?  With a tad bit of the bubbly people!
                                           05.  Enjoy life more:  I can deal with this one.  Sometimes we get stressed out over nothing or over something.  That's going to happen.  Maybe it's time to kick back and get your groove on.  Smell the roses and such.  Enjoy life to it's fullest.  This is another reason I drink.  To enjoy life more!
                                           04.  Quit smoking:  I don't smoke so fuck you.
                                           03.  Tame the bulge:  I've got to be honest here.  At 5'10" 123lbs I don't worry about the bulge.  Infact I might eat and drink more this next year!
                                           02.  Fit in fitness:  I'm built like a brick shit house so I'm not going to worry about this one!
                                           01.  Spend more time with family and friends:  What the fuck?  If i'm not working, I'm spending time with my family!  I need to spend more time with my friends who drink and are fat.  If they are fatter then me, it makes me feel better and I don't have to drink as much to help my self esteem.   
                                           I hope ya'll have a great New Year!

Concussions in the NFL!

What's up with all of the concussion's going on in the NFL?  In the last few years, the NFL has been concerned about concussions.  In fact, they've changed helmet designs.  That's cool as fuck but all we hear about anymore in the NFL is concussions!!
   The NFL has changed helmet designs along with high schools and colleges.  The goal is to limit concussion's with the new designs.  Guess what?  We're seeing more concussion's in the NFL then ever before!!  Colleges and high schools don't report them like the pro's do but my god how come so many more concussions?
    In the NFL, they are having concussions more and more each and every week.  It seems like a defensive lineman farts around a quarterback and the next thing you know he's got a concussion!  We've got one of two things going on.  It's either the helmets are shit or we've got pussy for athletes!  I watched the other day as an NFL quarterback was sacked and taken down to the turf.  He was hit hard mind you but it wasn't any thing major.  Next thing I know he's going out of the game because he was hit hard and might have a mild concussion.  What the fuck people?  
     My concern is that we are going to see more and more concussions because of these new helmets.  This new style helmet was supposed to be the answer to every one's concussions.  It's a fact that hasn't happened!  I guess what I'm bitching about is that it's time to go back to the other style of helmet that we used before!  It's time to figure out the problem people at the NFL!  Sometimes "new" shit isn't the best answer my friends!

The Day After Christmas.

Christmas is one of the greatest things going today.  We have family getting together, we have friends meeting up after time away from eachother.  We have good times all the way around.  It doesn't matter how many presents you give or get,  What matters is being together at Christmas.
   I had my Christmas with my mother in law on Christmas Eve.  Thats tradition in our household.  We used to have Christmas Day at my parents until my little brother got married and started his own family.  (A miracle in it's self!)  So, now our Christmas at my parents is always the day after Christmas.   Long story short, I got a day off from having two Christmas day's in a row.  Guess what I did in between?  I drank one to many beers is what I did.  Actually I wouldn't say I drank to many beers but I didn't have enough hours of sleep between the last beer and waking up!
   There's one thing I love to do.  That's cook!  There's also another thing I hate to do.  That's cleaning up my mess after cooking.  The last few years, my brother and I have done the main dish for Christmas.  That would be the turkey!  This year my beautiful mother wants me to hammer out a loin also.  So here I am the day of Xmas kicking back with no where to go and enjoying life.  I'm sitting back on the 25th of December drinking beer.  I've got to be really honest here.  I drink beer really well.  As does my little brother but he was at his inlaws this whole day.
   I guess I might have had one to many that day.  Infact I know I did.  I get up this morning to start the food and all I wanted to do was puke.  I know I know I know thats gross as fuck but shit happens!  Here's my story.  I get the food done.  My brother and I prepare what's needed.  We eat.  The next thing I know I'm sleeping for like 3 fucking days.  Is it me or am I getting old?  I want to thank all of my family on both sides for the nice Christmas!  If it weren't for you people there would be no me!  God bless ya'll and I love you!

College Football. It's time for a playoff format!

  I've said it time and time again.  I love the game of college football.  I'm a season ticket holder for 15 years at a major university.  I'm a booster for this team.  Along with great friends I've traveled all over this great country following them play football.  Wanna know why?  Because I love college football!
   The college I follow has a shit history for being good.  When "we're" lucky enough to get to a bowl game the family and I usually go.  We've been to Texas, Louisiana, Florida and Arizona. I have to admit though I declined to go to Idaho for a bowl game.  Who in their right mind wants to spend a winter day in fucking Idaho?
    Here's my rant for this evening.  I'm flipping channels tonight and notice that Toledo is playing Florida International University in the "Little Ceasars Bowl" located in Detroit, Michigan.  In the past week I've watched "The San Diego County Credit Union Poinsietta Bowl", "The Sheraton Hawaii Bowl" and "The Humanitarian Bowl", "The New Mexico Bowl", "The R+L Carriers Bowl", "The Beef O' Brady's Bowl" and "The Maaco Bowl Las Vegas".  What the fuck is happening to college football?  My lord some of these teams will have losing records after they lose their bowl games.
   Now here's where I get pissy.  There are 35 college football games this season.  There are 124 Division 1 college football teams.  (Soon to be 127)  That means that  70 teams made it to college football bowl games.  Thats means that 56% of all division 1 college football teams make it to a fucking bowl game!  
    When I was younger, you had at the very few bowl games.  Infact, in 1973 there were a total of 10 bowl games.  Here's where I'm getting frustrated.  We've got 35 bowl games (33 of them will be televised by ESPN!  Monopoly I hear you say?) and they don't mean shit.  Back in the day we used to only have a "Top 20" poll.  Now we've got a "Top 25" poll.  Are we trying to make average teams feel good?
   I think it's about time we go to a playoff system like the other divisions in college football do.  We've had a playoff system in Division II forever!  Same with Division III.  We have 6 super power BCS conferences.  The BIGXII, The Big10, The Big East, The Pac-10, The SEC, The ACC.  You also have The Mountain West, Conference USA, The Mac Conference and The Sun Belt Conference.  We can't forget the independents such as Navy, Army and Notre Dame.  (Soon to be, BYU)
   After doing some figuring and counting with my fingers and toes, I've come up with a total of 10 conferences and soon to be 4 independent teams.  This isn't rocket science assholes.  Let's get a playoff system going now!    We can make this a 12 team playoff system.  You take the champion of every conference and put them in the playoffs.  Thats 10 teams.  Then you take the top 2 independents and put them in the playoffs.  If by chance you have one independent with under a .500 winning percentage, you take the next best team out of the 10 conferences.
    You give the top 2 teams a "bye" the first week.  You take the next 10 and seed them.  Put them into bowl games.  The winners advance.  Simple so far.  Then it's time to take the top 2 teams and play them against the bottom 2 teams in the next round.  Do this with a bracket of seeds until you get to the national championship game.   If your in the first round of the playoffs and make it all the way to the championship game, you will have played 15 total games.
   If you think thats to many games played for a college team, then eliminate that 12th game on the schedule.  Turn back time and bring back the 11 game schedule we used to have.  Do not and i repeat have a conference championship game.  At the absolute most you will have played 16 games in one season.  Move the season up one week.  Start the season in middle August!  That way you can end your season in late January or early Feb.    Hell, play the NCAA Championship the week before the Super Bowl at the same site!  The host city would bring in hundreds of millions!
   If this system of using conference champions doesn't work for you, then we can use the "Top 25" rankings.  When it comes to the playoffs, take the "Top 25" and add the next best team or number "26" to the playoff system.    If this system or idea doesn't work for you, please feel free to make some comments.  This needs to be addressed now!  The shit we're using now isn't working nor will it ever work!  The 2010 season got lucky to have 2 undefeated teams in the championship game but on the outside is TCU looking in all kinds of pissed off!

Sunday, December 26, 2010

Random Subjects.

  Someday's I like to kick back and drink a few beers and think.  It's then when random thoughts float into my head.  I'm thinking about world peace.  I'm thinking about my family.  I'm thinking about football.  I'm thinking about volleyball.  I'm thinking about beer.  I'm thinking about cooking.  I'm thinking about pretty much bullshit!  It's what I do!
    Some of my random thoughts are:  Do we really need girls to wear their pants so low?  Do I really need to see their "whale tails" with their thong underwear showing?  Sometimes it's cute.  Most of the time I'm thinking..."What the fuck is that gal thinking?"
   Pubic hair:  Whats the deal with all of the different styles of women and their pubic hair?  Some are bald.  (creeps me out!)  Some have "landing strips".  Some are nicely trimmed with a little bit of hair hanging around.  Why don't women get together and vote or something.  Figure out what style will suit your pubic region and spread the word!  Enough of getting surprised with all of the different pussy's!
    Is Condeleeza Rice a lesbian?  Does she piss standing up?  Does she every once in awhile reach down and scratch her nuts?  If she did, I wouldn't be surprised!  I wonder sometimes if I was married to Hilary Clinton if I would fuck around on her.  Most likely yes!  She's as much of a dyke as Rice is.  How in the fuck did Oprah Winfrey end up owning the entire world along with Bill Gates?  All she is, is a pain in the fucking ass!  Fat bitch that she is.
    How much more bullshit are we going to take from North Korea?  I love Barack Obama as president but he needs to grow a set of nuts and nuke that fucking country.  End all of this bullshit.  If Iran decides to grow a set of balls like North Korea, show them the footage of mayhem!  End this bullshit now!
   What about this stupid Al quaeda bullshit?  Take all of your forces out of goddamn Iraq and bulldoze that fucked up country of Afghanistan!  Find that spineless pussy Osama Bin Laden and publicly kill him.  Stone him to death.  Taze him to death.  Electrocute him to death.  Just do it on WORLDWIDE TV!
   Oil prices are way out of fucking control!  Sick minded motherfuckers running these companies need brought before a jury and when found guilty hung!   They are raping the American people over money.  Thats bullshit!  Time to take back some of our money with the taking of oil from the countries that have it.  Example Iraq!  We've came into this God forsaken country and liberated them.  Liberated them for what?  NOT a GODDAMN thing!  Get the oil for nothing.  If we don't start doing that, we'll be paying $10.00 dollars a fucking loaf for bread!
   Why don't we stop cheating in college athletics?  It's either stop it, or start paying them for their services!  Figure it out you stupid cunts at the NCAA offices.  How come George W. Bush been brought up on charges of murder?  This stupid cunt/cocksucker had thousands upon thousands murdered in Iraq and Afghanistan over nothing.  Osama Bin Laden had the World Trade Centers hit by planes.  Bush decides to invade Iraq.  hmmmm HEY STUPID!  Iraq had nothing to do with the Towers going down!  You just lost thousands of lives over your being a fucking idiot!
    I need the President I voted for to grow a set of balls and take back this fucking country!  Obama your a good man that just needs to be tougher.  If the republicans don't like your values and your wants tell them to suck your cock!  Get the fucking job done son!  It's that goddamn simple!  Knock a bitch out!
    Take care of our homeless and people who want to work.  I just went through an unemployment hearing with a dude that worked for me.  This fucker is a genius but has no desire to work.  He called in every goddamn day because he was sick.  (motherfucker was hung over!)  I let the unemployment agency know his bullshit and he still wins his case!  Thats fucked up!  Take care of the people who really want to make ends meet!  Take care of the people who want to live the American dream!  Fuck the leaches!  Fuck them to hell!
   Fuck the people who are abusing the welfare system!  Time to move them out of the equation and help the "real" people who need it.  Take time to make time people!  Help the single mothers who want to work.  Help the single fathers who want to work.  The others, let them rot in hell!  We waste to much money on bullshit!  Fix it now people!
   Sorry about my random subjects bitch, I'm just pissed off!  We need to fix this country and fix it now people!

Saturday, December 25, 2010

Bullying! A secret society.

OK, whats up with all of this bullshit bullying going on in today's society?  It's getting really fucking stupid.  Especially at the middle and high school level.  My lord above you've got kids killing themselves over this fucking bullshit!  
    We've got bullying from straight up calling a person names in the hallways of schools.  We've kids getting on their cell phones calling around and starting rumors.  That my friends is a form of bullying!  We've got the internet now which is the worst form of social entertainment.  This medium can ruin a child within 5 minutes!
   There's a problem with kids being kids.  I don't give a flying fuck if a kid is a goddamn genius, he can still be as fucked up as any retard out there.  With his/her brains they love to fuck with the weak.  They can and do make shy, slower, ugly, lower social economic kids feel like fucking shit!  Here's the funny thing about these kids.  They are pretty much cowards!  They can't pick on a kid alone.  They have to bring in anywhere from 2 to 20 other kids to pick on the said child.
    They make this kid feel so bad that they have no other way out.  They can go to teachers.  They can go to clergy people.  Most don't!  Most teachers are to busy dealing with between 100 to 400 other students.  Most clergy people don't give a fuck either way.  They are to busy preaching to gospel while collecting a paycheck.  
    What these kids need to do is go to school administrators!  If these "so-called" head honcho's don't do anything it's time to go to the school board.  Unless your dealing with my school board.  You have 3 out of 5 members who don't give a fuck unless it's about their kids.  Here's my worry.  With this bullying, were going to find a local kid dead.  He or she is going to commit suicide because of spoiled ass cocksucking kids being fucking cunts to other kids.
   Who cares if some kid isn't as goodlooking as another kid.  Who cares if some kid doesn't come from a "RICH" home!  Who cares if these kids aren't jocks!  You worthless pieces of shit who bully need your asses kicked up and down the street.  If your parents are backing you, they need their fucking asses hurt also!
   I will say this.  If this happens to my child, I will own the school system!  I will own the bully's parents and whatever they should happen to own.  People get your shit together and be kind!  It's that fucking simple!

Family Christmas Letters.

  Have you got one of them family members who every year at Christmas time has to send you that "family xmas letter"?  If not, your missing something pretty fucking special.  If you don't understand quite what I'm talking about, let me explain a little bit.
   There's always that one person in every family that has to write that letter telling how their year went.  What great times they had and all of that bullshit.  How their kids are the greatest. Blah blah blah blah!
  These yearly letters come from member of your family.  It doesn't matter if it's your mother, father, uncle, aunt, brother, sister or cousins.  There will be one of these letters in your mailbox every year.  Life is always so fucking grand.  They are blowing more smoke up your ass then a smoke machine at a KISS concert.  Life is alway so grand for them but you know the real truth.  
   It's time I show you my "Family Christmas Letter" for 2010.  I've been thinking of doing a "Yamsac Family Christmas Letter" for ages now.  It's time I break down and just do it.
                                                Yamsac Family Christmas 2010.

          I hope this holiday season brings joy and laughter to all of you.  I pray that God has been good to you this year unlike me.  This past September we lost our beloved great dane Clitoris.  We loved that goddamn dog but were sure aren't going to miss her shitting on the kitchen floor.  In this bad economic times I hope and pray that your doing well.  Unlike us.  I just had the fucking electricity turned off so I'm typing this out right now at the local library. 
    I pray that all of your families are doing well this season.  We've been doing ok but were still having problems with our 12 year old daughter being knocked up.  She's been pregnant for like 11 months now and we just pray that it's born before Christmas Day.  No one wants to miss opening presents because she's giving birth.  She swears on the bible that it's one of her six brother's baby.  They all refuse to believe that.  I guess we'll have to wait for the DNA report.
   My wife Louise just had vagaplasty surgery.  She's telling people that her pussy is tighter then when she was 13 years old.  God bless her pussy and God bless that doctor who tightened up that canal.  Oldest son LeRoy (LaRoy) just got out of prison for manufacturing meth.  He swears and I believe him that it was an honest science experiment gone bad.  He's welcomed home by his wife and 7 children.  3 days after LeRoy's release we celebrated his 24th birthday.  Happy Birthday son!
    The triplet sons Stanford, Cal and UCLA are getting ready to join the workforce.  I know 16 is kind of early to go to work full time but if we want the fucking lights turned back they need to get their fat asses back to work.  They send their love to all of you also!  I got carjacked in June. I'm doing ok but I sure do miss that 1978 Buick LaSabre.  That's where the triplets were conceived! I got more ass in that car then a toilet seat!  Momma is doing ok.  She finally gave up candy bars.  You'd think that she would have after they told her she had diabetes but OH NO!  She's so stubborn she waited till they amputated her left leg.  
    We were finally able to bury daddy.  It sure was a beautiful service.  I want to thank the 9 people who showed up.  I want to thank the 6 of the 9 people who were pallbearers.  Better you lifting that fat motherfucker then me! hahaha  Back to my story.  His service was so lovely.  We played his favorite songs and had a beautiful flower to put on the grave.  It might have taken 3 years to bury him but it was well worth the wait!
    My two youngest son's Jack and Mehoff are doing really well in 2nd grade.  You'd think at 10 years old they might be struggling.  NOT MY BOYS!  God bless them!  I'm still plugging along at the nuclear waste plant.  We've been blessed there this year.  We've only lost 9 men and women to cancer last month.  The times are getting better!
   I figure if I work my ass off I can retire at 84 years old.  Lord above knows I'm working hard for it!  I can't wait!  Lastly i want to thank all of my loved ones who sent cards when it was discovered that I had growths on my ball sack.  The letters were ever so kind and I really loved them.  Thanks Uncle Sanford for that letter!  I know your balls were destroyed but I thank you for your prayers!  God Bless Sir!
    I want to thank all of my distance family!  God bless each and everyone of you.  I really want to thank Aunt Myrtle!  She was my first lay and sometimes when I'm lonely laying in bed I think of them times to get me through.  I truly love you Myrtle!  
                                     Merry Christmas and Happy New Year Family!


What are college athletes thinking?

  What in God's name are college athletes thinking of?  In today's world of major college athletics, a division 1 athlete has it made.  I know college athletics and I know the recruiting process.  If your a great athlete with tons of potential, colleges will be calling.  If your a superstar with unlimited potential boosters will be calling.
   Here's my bitch.  You get recruited to play for a major university and you fuck it all away.  NOW that's what pisses me off.  In the last few weeks, we've had some major talented college football players get arrested and or suspended for some really stupid shit.  We've had at the University of Iowa players get suspended for doing drugs.
   At Auburn University we've got a kid being investigated by the FBI for taking bribes from boosters.  At Ohio State University we've got players being suspended for 5 games next season for taking gifts from local tattoo parlors.  (THE NCAA SHOULD HAVE SUSPENDED THEM FOR THE BOWL GAME!)
    When your recruited for a major university, you will get a free education for up to 6 years depending on certain situations.  (5 years are the norm.)  You get free housing for the years your with the program.  You get three square meals a day while with the program.  
    You will be coached by some of the greatest coaches in the world.  If you work, listen and try your damndest you will have a shot of making money at the next level.  Here's where I get stupid.  What the fuck are these kids thinking when they steal, rape, cheat, kill and or take bribes for the fuck of it because they think they are untouchable?
   You've got idiots at the University of Iowa fucking up some major draft status's because they think it's cool to sell drugs for extra money.  What goddamn money do you really need?  Like I said before you've got everything you wanted paid for!  To Cam Newton at Auburn.  Your dad is a major fuckhead.  I do not give a flying fuck if he's a preacher or not.  He tried to cheat the system and got caught.  I promise you that you will be caught sometime also.  There is no way that your pops asks for $180,000.00 for you to play and your not getting something in return!
   Your getting everything paid for and your retarded preacher man father decides to be a douche bag.  My lord above he's a fucking idiot.  Does he not understand that there could be prison time for his actions?  I mean your good.  Your goddamn good!  Hell you won the Heisman Trophy for Christ's sake.  Your going to make your millions at the next level.  Why couldn't dear old dumb ass dad wait a few years?  Once again.  Cecil Newton your a fucking idiot!
   Now the newest thing.  You have Ohio State University players being fucking retarded.  Led by quarterback Terrelle Pryor these 6 morons get free tattoo's and other shit for next to nothing.  Then they sell BIG10 Championship rings, jersey's and other assorted things that collector's want.  When it was found out, they were suspended for the first 5 games of next season.  LIKE THATS A TOUGH THING!  They've got a patsy pre-conference schedule.  Thats 2 to 3 easy wins.  Then they've got some easy early conference games.  These motherfuckers should have been suspended for their upcoming bowl game.  I guess the NCAA doesn't want OSU to lose.  
   This is what pisses me off.  These players are pampered while in college.  They get stipends for some expenses.  Why do they feel they have to fuck it all up?   I remember a few years ago a player from Iowa State University named Jason Berryman mugging a kid for a cell phone and $5.00 dollars.  This stupid fucker was a sure NFL draft choice within the 3rd round.  Guess what he gets?  12 months in county jail.  Then here's how retarded he is.  He gets out and they let him back on the Cyclone football team.  The stupid fucker breaks his probation!  NOW he's doing absolutely nothing but being a dumb fuck!
  It's time for major college coaches to either start recruiting some decent kids for their programs or stop coaching.  It's time for the NCAA to crack down on boosters!  These people are nothing more then a cancer to the NCAA!  It's time for athletic directors and coaches to be responsible for the players they bring in!  
    For you up and coming major college athletes please be smart.  Please do not take short cuts.  Life will be good for you if you play by the rules.  Free education.  Free shelter.  Free food!  A college kid couldn't ask for more!

Thursday, December 23, 2010

Welfare Whores! Merry Christmas.

  To all of you welfare whores in America, I want to wish you a fantastic Merry Christmas.  Thank you for letting my wife and I work our collective asses off so you and your bastard children can have the newest toys and the brightest, shiniest government paid housing.  
    Thank you for spreading your legs over and over again so that you can bring kids into this world to feed off of me and millions of other hard working Americans.  You are deeply appreciated!!  Thank you for making me work harder with more hours away from my family as you buy your bastard child anything and everything it wants.  I guess my family and children can go without.  
    Thanks for being a Cancer to society as your fat ass sits at home doing nothing except receiving free food, shelter, insurance and clothing while my family and I have to scrape along with what we have.  You are an insperation!  Thanks for being a model citizen.  As government stats show, most of you are drug abusers with a tendency to be straight up fuck ups.  At one time or another, you will spend time in some sort of jail setting.  Wanna know why?  Because your whores!
   Welfare whores are most likely to follow in the footsteps of their parents or guardians that have brought them up.  Thank you to the people who have taught these pieces of shit to suck the every loving life out of our country with their laziness!  Merry Christmas to your rotten asses!  To the whores who have taken and taken as they've taken.  Fuck you!  To the mothers of the whores who go to work and do absolutely nothing but be in the way of the real workers, I honestly hope your life is a living hell someday.
   I want to thank your welfare whore asses for taking away from the children, grandchildren, parents, brothers and sisters this holiday season because your a piece of shit.  These people deserve so much better but I guess your welfare whore asses are selfish as fuck.  Thanks a bunch!  Let our kids and families go without!  Thats the way to be!
    To the whores who get a free college education and can afford to buy presents with her government check each month while my child has to pay her own way to school and can't afford to buy anything but a fucking pack of gum, Thank you!    To the people who back all of the welfare whores I want you to line up and buy my family Christmas gifts.  If you feel it's right for these two bit cunt whores to prosper for getting knocked up after a good night of drinking or doing drugs, you can get my family gifts!
    To all of you pieces of shit that keep collecting foodstamps, I say fuck you!  My family and I have to work our asses off to afford a turkey for Christmas.  We have to work our asses off to afford to put on a Christmas dinner while you get your shit free because you choose to spread your legs and fuck any stranger in the area!  Once again I want to thank you for being whores!  People are starving but still trying to make ends meet and your sitting your fat asses at home doing nothing making and getting more then these people even thought about of!
    Thanks for telling people who hate you granny that your grandchild is the next Messiah!  People laugh at your fat ass each and everyday.  My answer for the new year is this.  Get a fucking job and try to make a difference in today's society.  If you can't do that, then leave this world.  I don't give a fuck if you kill yourself.  LEAVE!  Your a parasite!  No one likes you or your style of living.  Trust me when I say this dumb cunts!  Otherwise, enjoy yourself spending my money on your bastard kids.  Merry Christmas welfare whores!  May your lives be full of shit down the road!  May you learn what it's like to work for a living.  May you just go away!

A Terrorist Christmas?

   It's a couple of days till Christmas, one of the most beloved holiday's known to man.  We are here to celebrate the birth of Jesus Christ our Savior.  I'm not the most religious man in the world but this dude Jesus according to record did some incredible shit.
   We celebrate this holiday every year on December 25th because we as a free world with the option of freedom of religion have chosen Christianity over other forms of religion.  Life and times are going well for me.  My beautiful daughter comes home for the holiday.  My whole family will be home.  
    This is the time we spend together to promote love and peace.  Then I'm watching the news.  I guess Al Qaeda has decided to fuck up the USA's holiday season.  They want to hurt us bad for our sins against Islam.  What the fuck are these people thinking?  Like i said before.  We have freedom of religion.  If you want to worship to Islam, then do it.  Just don't fuck with my world over it.  These radical cunts want to "hurt" us because they are repressed.  Like that's our fucking problem.  It's not our fault that you stupid cocksuckers live in the middle of no where sweating your tiny balls off in the desert.  Fuck you!
    These are the same fuckers who say.. And I quote:  "We do not need women to work.  What positive roles can they play in society?  What is the impact of their roles?  They should stay in their houses."  WELL dumbfucks, if it were not for women, there would be nobody on earth.  Women make the world go around.  They give birth to our children.  They cook, clean and take care of us males.  They are the salt of the earth assholes.
    They are wanting to come into our country and destroy everything and cause havoc in cities of mass population.  I can understand this but I can't understand what the fuck they are thinking.  This is the same people who executed a woman because she had murdered her abusive husband.  Even though this man had beat her and her children, they felt it was right to execute her.  What about a judicial system?  Innocent before being proven guilty?  My lord above you Islam loving motherfuckers are some douchebags!
    You want to hurt our society because your living an opressed life?  What the fuck assholes? It's not our fault that your asses can't wear blue jeans.  It's not our fault that your asses have to watch local channels on your televisions.  Get a fucking cable company assholes!  It's not our fault that your women's armpits are as hairy as their goddamn pussies!  It's not our fault that your women can't suck your dick!  Get over it motherfuckers!
      Is it our fault that you live in a fucking cave?  I don't believe so.  It's not our fault that your going to live a life of horseshit because of what you believe in.  Go back to your fucking caves and fuck eachother.  I know your fucking your own family.  Sisters and mothers.  Daughters and cousins.  Thats a top notch life your leading fuck heads.
    Do me a favor President Barrack Obama.  If these cocksuckers somehow give us or some of our friends in other countries a serious problem with death and destruction over these holidays, please grow a set of balls and exterminate the entire region.  I don't give a fuck if it's Afghanistan or Pakistan.  Fuck their worlds up!  They will attack us in the name of Allah.  You attack them in the name of Jesus Christ!

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

Happy Holidays! The college aged kid is home!

  December 22nd, 2010.  My beautiful soon to be 19 year old daughter comes home from college for the holidays.  She's home a day earlier then expected.  That's ok, I've really missed her.  Most of the time i get home I have my beautiful wife who works her ass off for UPS is tired as three gutter rats trying to eat a Thanksgiving dinner.
   Second of all I've got my hormonal 14 year old daughter who hates me waiting for me to get home from work at 6:30pm so she can bitch about something.  Lord I love these family nights!  It's time for the oldest to get home and I can't wait.  I'm anticipating her arrival.  I've bought some really cheap wine for this occasion!  Were ready to fucking party people!
   I hear her pull up the driveway and I'm ready to give her a hug.  I wait a few minutes as I know she's getting her college shit out of her car.  She comes through the door and go to hug her.  It's then she tells me to get the fuck away from her.  I ask why?  She responds that I could be a perve!  What the fuck I think?
    About this time the youngest daughter who is 14 comes running out of her room screaming your a bitch!  The oldest daughter comes back with your a bitch!  Next thing i know it's a "your a bitch" fest for 10 goddamn minutes!  After all of this bullshit the oldest child gets settled in.  It's then she comes out to the living room and sits down.  At this time, she asks me for one of my favorite personal possessions.  A beer!  
   After running my hands through my hair a few times, get my ass up and go to the fridge.  I grab two beers and hand her one.  We both take a few sips.  It's then I say .... "I see you've taken up a new habit."  She replies...  It's not new, I've been doing it since 9th grade."  I say to myself..."What the fuck!?!?!?!?"  She laughs at me and rolls her eyes.  "Dad I sometimes drink a few beers with friends and nothing more!"  Ok I say...I know she's in college and theres not much I can do.
   About this time she pulls out the biggest fucking bong since the era of the "Beatles."  This son of a bitch had rope lights and sparklers hanging all over it.  Next thing I know she's doping the bowl.  I look at her with some couriosity and never say a word.  About this time she asks me if I want a hit.  I'm thinking if her mom wakes up, I'm a dead man!  So being a good dad I hit that bong like a fucking tennis ball at Wimbledon!
    I ask her where she learned this talent.  She replies that she gave up human skills classes and enrolled in western culture.  This is what they learn in western culture.  I take another hit and ponder.
   About this time I'm eating a bowl of ice cream and horse radish and then I look over and the oldest daughter is leaving.  "What the fuck you doing?"  I ask.  "I'm going to see some friends!" She tells me.  I figure she's going to study for finals.  Then I realize that finals are over.  I call her cell phone.  "What are you doing honey?"  She replies...."NONE of your goddamn business asshole!"  Right before I start to rip her a new asshole verbally, I remember she's 18 soon to be 19.  
    I respond can you get home soon?  Her answer is..."Let me wait till the buzz wears off!"  I agree.  Rather have her buzz at a house then drive all buzzed up I say!
   A few hours later my oldest daughter returns home.  I ask her "how did your evening go?"  She tells me ...."Father it went lovely, I got as high as a girraffe'es pussy!"  Now that's fucking high!  Next thing I know she's sleeping like a baby.  God bless college!  They sure have learned a few thing since I was there.

Remember people!  This is sarcasm!  My daughter came home from college with straight A's! She's doing great with her career choice of "mortuary science."  God bless her and her dreams!

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

  I've truly uncovered one of the most oustanding web sites ever known to man!  It's called  This site is about the deaths of celebrities from all over the world.  I truly reccomend it to sick fucks like me!

The Do's and Don'ts of the company Christmas party.

 Yes my friends it's that time of year again.  It's the hustle and bustle of Christmas.  I know your busting your ass at work trying to make everything perfect before the end of the year.  I know your stressed out because your boss is an overbearing asshole who only cares about the bottom line.
   There's a payoff though.  It's called the end of the fiscal year.  It means that you can relax a little bit and enjoy the holiday season with your family and friends.  It's a time to share peace and love with all.  Now here's where it gets tricky.  At most companies, they have a "holiday" party for the employees.   It's usually put together by a couple of neo-nazi butch dyke bitches from the "human resources" department.  I guess that's ok.  It gives them something to do besides bitch about everyone in the office.  Fucking twats.
   Depending on where you work, most company holiday parties are either before Christmas or right after Christmas.  I'm encouraging every one to go to the holiday party.  It will make you look like your a "team" player for your place of employment.  Now it's time for the do's and don'ts of the holiday party.
   Do:  Make sure you go and mingle with as many people as you can.  You can never "network" enough.
   Do: Dress nice.  It doesn't have to be a 3 piece suit or anything like that.  Just make sure you look appropriate in these kind of functions.
   Do:  Take time to ask questions to fellow co-workers about their families.  People love to talk about themselves and their families.
   Do: Have a few drinks with other members of the work force.  Get to know them outside of the work situation.  Show them how your a nice person with a good personality.
   Don't:  Drink to heavy where you start to sweat like a fat chick at a weight watchers convention.  
   Do:  Make sure you eat.  This will make the office nazi's happy that they think people actually like the menu they made.
   Don't:  Drink to much where you start calling every man in  your office "bro."
   Do:  Compliment the ladies of the office on how they look at the party.  I don't give a fuck if a chick looks like goddamn Oprah Winfrey after a night of chowing down on hot wings and fudge!  Be nice and compliment.
   Dont:  Drink to much and brag how you are a champion kareoke singer.
  Do:  Tell the boss's wife that she looks lovely tonight.  You can never EVER kiss the boss's ass enough.  Even if he hates you, his wife will think your a nice gentleman with great potential.  Hence, the boss will refrain from firing you.
  Don't:  Drink enough booze to kill a gorilla.  Pace yourself and make sure to keep in total control of yourself.
  Do:  Buy a few drinks for co-workers.  I don't give a flying fuck if your down to your last dime.  Either break out the credit card or bounce a fucking check.  Buy some drinks!  Co-workers will love you more for doing that.
  Don't: Start doing jello  shots.  Remember you get retarded after 4 jello shots.
  Do:  Have a few drinks with the youngsters who are apprentices.  You buy them a few drinks and they will be kissing your ass and doing all of your work.  Bonus:  Most work free!
  Don't:  Try and fuck the 19 year old hot apprentice chick.  I don't give a shit if she's flashing her freshly shaved beaver.  Keep away from that pussy!
  Don't:  Walk up to the boss and tounge kiss him and say:  "Thanks for signing my paychecks!"
  Don't: Walk up to the boss's wife and tell her she has some sweet tits.
  Don't: Walk up to the boss's daughter and tell her you would like to lick her where she pee's.
   Don't: Puke on your shirt.
  Don't:   Start singing kareoke with your shirt off.
  Don't:  Start lapdancing the janitor with the speech problem.
   Do:  Tell the fat chick who's sitting in the corner with spinach hanging from her lip that you find her a beautiful person on the inside and outside.  Tell her she's an inspiration to everyone!  Just don't tell her you think you would be inspired if she lost 250lbs.
  Don't:  Walk up the boss's mother and tell her your hung like a stud field mouse and  you wonder if  her kitty wants to chase it!
   Don't: Walk up to the boss and tell him he's a monkey fucker without a clue.
   Don't:  Walk up to your immediate supervisor and tell him that know he's fucking that nasty chick and you'd wonder what his wife would think.
   Do:  Tip your waiters and waitresses.
   Don't:  Get so drunk you piss yourself.
   Do:  Zip your pants up after you piss.
   Don't:  Get so drunk you get into a fight with the guy in the wheelchair.
   Do:  Pray to Jesus that you haven't been thrown in jail yet.   

                   Last but not least!
    Don't:  Jump on a table and start yelling at the top of your lungs that this is a CHRISTMAS PARTY!  NOT A FUCKING HOLIDAY PARTY!  FUCK EVERYONE WHO DOESN'T AGREE WITH ME!!  YOUR ALL A BUNCH OF JEWISH COCKSUCKERS!  
     That wouldn't be cool!