Monday, December 20, 2010

If I worked for ESPN.

   I think I've found my dream job.  I think this has been calling me for quite awhile now.  I'm ready to make the move.  Fame is calling me and I can't deny the world of my talents.  I'm thinking of becoming an on air celebrity for ESPN.
    I know I can interview.  I know I can be charming on television.  I know I've got a way with words.  I promise to ask the tough questions.  I promise to make sure I'm witty.  I might not be the best looking fellow in the world but thats o.k.  It's not about my looks it's about reporting the news of sports!
   Hell look at Chris Berman.  Have you ever seen Scott Van Pelt?  That's one goofy looking motherfucker I tell you!  Tom Jackson is as homely as they get!  I think my looks will fit right in with these fine contributor's of sports reporting.  I want to start out as a reporter who hits all of the ball games.  I want to be that person in the locker room reporting on wins and losses.  I want to show the world the other side of the athletes we love and hate.  I want to help people realize that there is more to athletes then meets the eye!
   After a few years of reporting around the world I would love to have my show where I ask the hard line questions to these athletes.  I want to make an impact in the sporting world!  Here are a few examples of what I would ask....   Mr.Yamsac:  Kobe could you answer this.  When you raped that gal in Colorado did you think it would cost you a million dollar ring for your wife?  KB: Well, I was not really doing anything wrong, it was mutual.  MRY:  It was a mutual rape?  Kobe there is no such thing!  Damnit!!  No such thing!!  KB: Let me explain!  MRY:  You can't even spell your name let along explain Kobe, this interview is over!
    Mr.Yamsac:  LeBron did you really have to do that retarded interview on ESPN to let the world know where you were going to play?  LJ:  Well Yammy, I wanted the world to know that I was commited to being a Miami Heat player.  Mr.Y: So your telling me Lebron that it had nothing to do with Cleveland being a shit city and Miami having some sweet ass and nice titties everywhere?  LJ:  No comment.
   Mr.Yamsac:  So Ben Rothlisberger, what were you thinking when you sexually assaulted a women for the third time in the last 3 years?  BR:  Well Yammy.  The first two times didn't go to well so I figured the third time was the charm!  I mean look at me.  I aint no fucking Brad Pitt.  Pussy is hard for me to get unless I take my 6'5" 260lbs body and force it on someone.
    Mr.Yamsac:  Your telling me Kirk Ferentz that you had no idea you coach a bunch of thugs at Iowa?  Your telling me that you thought they were all fine upstanding Christian kids playing for you?  What about the 30+ arrests in Iowa City over the last 5 years regarding your players?  KF: For the longest time I thought they were traffic tickets.  MrY:  What about the public intoxication, OWI's and drug offenses.  KF:  I'm usually asleep when that happens.  So in my defense I'm not there to witness these activities.  Mr.Y:  What about your team being accused of sexual harrasement?  KF:  To be honest here some of these coeds here at The University of Iowa do have some sweet asses.
   Mr.Yamsac:  Cam Newton your telling me that you had no idea that your father Cecil Newton was pimping your big ass out to play for pay?  CM:  I can honestly say that I had no idea.  Mr.Y:  Cam why is your nose growing now?  Mr.Y:  SO Cam how come your driving a new Merceded Benz?  CM:  It was a gift from my granny?  Mr.Y:  Nice comeback.
   Mr.Yamsac:  Brett Favre, did you or did you not send a picture of your wiener via text message to that hot chick?  BF:  Yammy, where I come that's called courtin.  I mean I think I love her.  Mr.Y:  Do you really love her Brett or her ass?  BF:  Don't forget her tits Yammy!
   After a few years of working hard interviewing some of these athletes I think I'll head to the play by play booth.  I've got to be honest.  I'm pretty fucking good at calling the obvious!  
I can see me working the booth throwing out some honest views.  Calling the game the only way I know how.  Making sure i get every move down to a science.  I'm here to entertain the public while making sure I call the games down the middle!
   My biggest worry is that I might be to goddamn honest.  I can see it now.  "Look at that motherfucker run!"  "My lord above that's got to be the longest fucking homerun I've ever seen hit!"  "Did you see that bastard hit that little fucker?"  "That motherfucker hit that pussy so hard his granny bruised!"  "I'll bet you 10bux that little cunt doesn't get up after that hit!"
   About this time I've got a feeling I'll be fired.  Oh well.  I've had my fun!  God Bless ESPN and my dream job!

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