Monday, December 13, 2010

12 Days of Christmas

  As I jot down my thoughts, I notice it's the 13th of December.  Then I realize after a take a swig of my barley pop that there are only 12 days till Christmas.  Holy shit above the time is flying here in coolsville!
   It's then I get to remembering Christmas pasts.  When I came into this world it was just me and my beautiful mother.  We struggled a little.  She worked her ass off to make sure we didn't have to rely on the welfare system.  We didn't have alot but we never went without.  God Bless you Mom and I love you.  
   Now it's time to figure out what I want to give some very special people for Christmas.  I know alot of people and I take my Christmas giving very serious.  I want to make sure that the recipient is very happy with my choice of gifts.  I some times go to the mall.  Sometimes I look online.  All I do is care about my fellow man!  
     12.  Barrack Obama:  Dude, everyone is dogging on your ass about this and that.  I know you didn't fuck up the economy or start a stupid war but every one is blaming you now.  For your gift, I give you the gift of:  HEART
    11.  Micheal Vick: Your having one hell of a season in the NFL.  Your looking good!  Your looking like an MVP and Comeback Player of the Year all in the same season.  I know that your creditors are taking almost 80% of your net income.  For you I gift: Food Stamps and a Wal-Mart gift certificate for some dog food.
   10.  Justin Bieber:  I know your the newest sensation for the time being.  You have every teenage girls panties wet.  YOU DA MAN you little Hilary Swank look a like!  I pray every day that your voice finally starts to break and you can sing like a fucking man.  For you I gift: Some hair on your chin and nuts.  Maybe this will help you become a man instead of some little tulip!
   09.  Iowa State Cyclone Head Coach Paul Rhodes:  Your coming of a season of ill will.  Your gift: A "blue chip" recruit that can make a difference for your team to get to football dominance!
  08.  Brett Favre:  Your getting older every day.  You played 297 straight games at quarterback.  This record will never EVER be broken.  Your the greatest quarterback to ever play the game.  Your simply the best.  Your gift:  To take away your camera phone.  No one wants to see your tiny wiener as you try to hustle some hot chick who works for the N.Y. Jets.
 .07  Kirk Ferentz:  I know you were wanting to win a National Championship this year but things didn't quite work out.  That happens Kirk.  Your gift:  A urine test for everyone involved with your team.  Ball boys included.
.06  Miley Cyrus:  You just turned 18 years old. HAPPY BIRTHDAY Miley!  Your on your own.  Your making adult decisions.  God Bless you young lady.  Your gift: A mouth filter for your new bong.  You don't need any germs from ordinary people.
.05  Osama Bin Laden:  You've been running rampant since 2001.  You've a great job.  I mean you kicked the fuck out of the Twin Towers.  You bitched slapped the pentagon.  You killed innocent people in the middle of a farm field.  YOU DA MAN!  Your gift:  A giant sword for you to impale yourself on.
.04  To the people who receive welfare:  I know your down on your luck.  I pray that every thing will go well for you.  I pray that you can get your shit together.  I pray that you won't have 26 more kids!  Your gift:  A fucking job!
.03  To the cunt who abuses the welfare system:  Right now you think life is great.  I hope your loving it!  You buying tix to basketball games that you can't afford without using taxpayers money.  Your living the life of a queen because you spread your pussy.  Your gift: REALITY!  You need hard times to make you a human being!  You need to learn about what paying bills are!  You need a kick in the twat for what life is all about.
.02  To the strippers at the "LumberYard".  I know times are doing you all good.  Your making between $200.00 and $1500.00 per night in tips.  Keep up the good work.  The downside is that most of you are two bit crank whores needing every dime you make.  Your gift:  Some clean wipes for the stripper pole you share!  I know you don't want your pussy getting all itchy and shit.
.01  ME:  All I want is a G.I. Joe with the Kung Fu Grip.  I had one at the age of 9 and I got stupid.  I laced his body in firecrackers.  Then I set them off.  Long story short, I blew his ass to Kingdom Come!  If I could get a G.I. Joe with the Kung Fu grip I'd be so damn happy I'd probably shit myself.  Think about it fans!  G.I. Joe With the Kung Fu Grip!

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