Friday, December 17, 2010

Becoming a t.v. evangelist

  I'm sitting here at the computer drinking a few beers while flipping channels.  I've come to the conclusion that I have an option of viewing over  7000 channels.  The reason I know this is because I keep flipping channels and I can't seem to find the end of the channels!
   The end of my channel list is the religious channels.  That's cool Sometimes I tune in and check out what the preacher is saying.  Sometimes I try and reach to my wallet but my wife always seems to refrain me.  *shrug*
    I always ask her why and her same response is that we've got better shit to pay for.  Oh well, I tried.  Then it hits me!  I'm a salesman by trade..  I'm going to be honest here.  I feel I can sell anything I set my mind too.  I don't give a shit if it's a lawnmower or if it's a dildo at an all girl smut party.  I can sell and I take pride in that!  The more and more I flip the channels I find myself tuning into the bible channels!  Am I listening to this greasy haired fuck trying to sell me on Jesus Christ as he slaps my ass then takes my wallet?  NO.  
   What I find intriguing is that people are actually getting into this shit.  I'm going to propose to my wife and kids that I need to become a t.v. evangelist.  I'm praying that they will let me go with my dreams.  If not, I guess I'll keep selling outdoor power equipment.  Hmmm.  I've got this feeling that I'm going to actually do well in this endeavor.  I start reading the bible.  OK OK OK.  I go to the bookstore and grab a version of "cliffnotes". 
   Next thing I know I'm going to our local t.v. station asking for time to preach my ways.  Shit doesn't happen.  I offer them for my wife to work overtime and such but they aren't biting.  Next thing you know I get my shit working on the internet.  Everyone show's their shit on youtube!  Why not me?  
    I start my preaching on the internet and all is going well.  Now I've got myself on a local t.v. station and all is good!  People are starting to recognize me when I go the grocery store.  Not for being a convict!  Thats a good thing!  My lord i'm on a goddamn roll!
    I work the local t.v. station for about a year.  Still pimpin myself to youtube every week.  Now it's time to sell Jesus and myself!  I go and get the best suit that Wal-Mart sells. I get a few new ties because I'm going to have to wear this suit many times.  
     Now I'm hitting some people with my valiant effort of religion!  I haven't asked for a dime yet but I'm close.  I'm busting my ass.  I'm working each and every day in the name of the Lord.  HOLY SHIT!  I've been blessed!  The Lord has granted me a t.v. contract on the 700 Club!
   It's now I've hit the big time.  I can now officially start helping people with their problems!  I dig a little bit deeper into the bible.  I find that I can kill someone and if I ask forgiveness my sins will be wiped away.  I find that if I fuck around on my wife and aske for forgiveness my sins will be wiped away.  I search for my new girlfriend.  She's got to be like 30 with long brown hair and an education.  I need a woman who can support me if this doesn't work out!
   I'm working hard each and every day.  I'm looking into the camera and begging people to help me spread the Lord's word with donations!  Slowly but surely they start to trickle in.  People are generous and I praise them for that!   When I'm not getting blowjobs from my mistress, I'm making sure that my beautiful wife and family is taken care of!  Momma needs a new car.  Guess what?  Brand new Mercedes!  The kids need new cars.  BMW's for both of them!
    I guess with last years donations of 13million dollars I can spread some love to a town of 2,500 people with free turkeys and yams.  At this time, I'll be watching the new construction of my new mansion!  GOD BLESS EVERYONE!  Holy shit!  My membership is kinda getting smaller.  What the fuck is going on?  I mean when I got my wife and girlfriend a new set of tits I pray'd for them!  When I paid for my girlfriends new condo, I pray'd for that mother fucker also!  How about the time when my wife's Mercedes ran out of gas?  What did I do?  I bought her a new one!  HELP ME JESUS!
   I need to get back on t.v. and beg Martha to give up her last $10,000.00 dollars to help my ministry!   I need Martha to help make my latest mortgage payment!  I need Martha to send me her granddaughter to suck my dick while I preach the gospel!
    Long story short my friends.  I could make a great evangelist!  This is a fact.  I could make many of people send me money.  The fact is that I love my wife and family to much for that bullshit.!  Free blowjobs are another problem though.

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