December 22nd, 2010. My beautiful soon to be 19 year old daughter comes home from college for the holidays. She's home a day earlier then expected. That's ok, I've really missed her. Most of the time i get home I have my beautiful wife who works her ass off for UPS is tired as three gutter rats trying to eat a Thanksgiving dinner.
Second of all I've got my hormonal 14 year old daughter who hates me waiting for me to get home from work at 6:30pm so she can bitch about something. Lord I love these family nights! It's time for the oldest to get home and I can't wait. I'm anticipating her arrival. I've bought some really cheap wine for this occasion! Were ready to fucking party people!
I hear her pull up the driveway and I'm ready to give her a hug. I wait a few minutes as I know she's getting her college shit out of her car. She comes through the door and go to hug her. It's then she tells me to get the fuck away from her. I ask why? She responds that I could be a perve! What the fuck I think?
About this time the youngest daughter who is 14 comes running out of her room screaming your a bitch! The oldest daughter comes back with your a bitch! Next thing i know it's a "your a bitch" fest for 10 goddamn minutes! After all of this bullshit the oldest child gets settled in. It's then she comes out to the living room and sits down. At this time, she asks me for one of my favorite personal possessions. A beer!
After running my hands through my hair a few times, get my ass up and go to the fridge. I grab two beers and hand her one. We both take a few sips. It's then I say .... "I see you've taken up a new habit." She replies... It's not new, I've been doing it since 9th grade." I say to myself..."What the fuck!?!?!?!?" She laughs at me and rolls her eyes. "Dad I sometimes drink a few beers with friends and nothing more!" Ok I say...I know she's in college and theres not much I can do.
About this time she pulls out the biggest fucking bong since the era of the "Beatles." This son of a bitch had rope lights and sparklers hanging all over it. Next thing I know she's doping the bowl. I look at her with some couriosity and never say a word. About this time she asks me if I want a hit. I'm thinking if her mom wakes up, I'm a dead man! So being a good dad I hit that bong like a fucking tennis ball at Wimbledon!
I ask her where she learned this talent. She replies that she gave up human skills classes and enrolled in western culture. This is what they learn in western culture. I take another hit and ponder.
About this time I'm eating a bowl of ice cream and horse radish and then I look over and the oldest daughter is leaving. "What the fuck you doing?" I ask. "I'm going to see some friends!" She tells me. I figure she's going to study for finals. Then I realize that finals are over. I call her cell phone. "What are you doing honey?" She replies...."NONE of your goddamn business asshole!" Right before I start to rip her a new asshole verbally, I remember she's 18 soon to be 19.
I respond can you get home soon? Her answer is..."Let me wait till the buzz wears off!" I agree. Rather have her buzz at a house then drive all buzzed up I say!
A few hours later my oldest daughter returns home. I ask her "how did your evening go?" She tells me ...."Father it went lovely, I got as high as a girraffe'es pussy!" Now that's fucking high! Next thing I know she's sleeping like a baby. God bless college! They sure have learned a few thing since I was there.
Remember people! This is sarcasm! My daughter came home from college with straight A's! She's doing great with her career choice of "mortuary science." God bless her and her dreams!