Yes my friends it's that time of year again. It's the hustle and bustle of Christmas. I know your busting your ass at work trying to make everything perfect before the end of the year. I know your stressed out because your boss is an overbearing asshole who only cares about the bottom line.
There's a payoff though. It's called the end of the fiscal year. It means that you can relax a little bit and enjoy the holiday season with your family and friends. It's a time to share peace and love with all. Now here's where it gets tricky. At most companies, they have a "holiday" party for the employees. It's usually put together by a couple of neo-nazi butch dyke bitches from the "human resources" department. I guess that's ok. It gives them something to do besides bitch about everyone in the office. Fucking twats.
Depending on where you work, most company holiday parties are either before Christmas or right after Christmas. I'm encouraging every one to go to the holiday party. It will make you look like your a "team" player for your place of employment. Now it's time for the do's and don'ts of the holiday party.
Do: Make sure you go and mingle with as many people as you can. You can never "network" enough.
Do: Dress nice. It doesn't have to be a 3 piece suit or anything like that. Just make sure you look appropriate in these kind of functions.
Do: Take time to ask questions to fellow co-workers about their families. People love to talk about themselves and their families.
Do: Have a few drinks with other members of the work force. Get to know them outside of the work situation. Show them how your a nice person with a good personality.
Don't: Drink to heavy where you start to sweat like a fat chick at a weight watchers convention.
Do: Make sure you eat. This will make the office nazi's happy that they think people actually like the menu they made.
Don't: Drink to much where you start calling every man in your office "bro."
Do: Compliment the ladies of the office on how they look at the party. I don't give a fuck if a chick looks like goddamn Oprah Winfrey after a night of chowing down on hot wings and fudge! Be nice and compliment.
Dont: Drink to much and brag how you are a champion kareoke singer.
Do: Tell the boss's wife that she looks lovely tonight. You can never EVER kiss the boss's ass enough. Even if he hates you, his wife will think your a nice gentleman with great potential. Hence, the boss will refrain from firing you.
Don't: Drink enough booze to kill a gorilla. Pace yourself and make sure to keep in total control of yourself.
Do: Buy a few drinks for co-workers. I don't give a flying fuck if your down to your last dime. Either break out the credit card or bounce a fucking check. Buy some drinks! Co-workers will love you more for doing that.
Don't: Start doing jello shots. Remember you get retarded after 4 jello shots.
Do: Have a few drinks with the youngsters who are apprentices. You buy them a few drinks and they will be kissing your ass and doing all of your work. Bonus: Most work free!
Don't: Try and fuck the 19 year old hot apprentice chick. I don't give a shit if she's flashing her freshly shaved beaver. Keep away from that pussy!
Don't: Walk up to the boss and tounge kiss him and say: "Thanks for signing my paychecks!"
Don't: Walk up to the boss's wife and tell her she has some sweet tits.
Don't: Walk up to the boss's daughter and tell her you would like to lick her where she pee's.
Don't: Puke on your shirt.
Don't: Start singing kareoke with your shirt off.
Don't: Start lapdancing the janitor with the speech problem.
Do: Tell the fat chick who's sitting in the corner with spinach hanging from her lip that you find her a beautiful person on the inside and outside. Tell her she's an inspiration to everyone! Just don't tell her you think you would be inspired if she lost 250lbs.
Don't: Walk up the boss's mother and tell her your hung like a stud field mouse and you wonder if her kitty wants to chase it!
Don't: Walk up to the boss and tell him he's a monkey fucker without a clue.
Don't: Walk up to your immediate supervisor and tell him that know he's fucking that nasty chick and you'd wonder what his wife would think.
Do: Tip your waiters and waitresses.
Don't: Get so drunk you piss yourself.
Do: Zip your pants up after you piss.
Don't: Get so drunk you get into a fight with the guy in the wheelchair.
Do: Pray to Jesus that you haven't been thrown in jail yet.
Last but not least!
Don't: Jump on a table and start yelling at the top of your lungs that this is a CHRISTMAS PARTY! NOT A FUCKING HOLIDAY PARTY! FUCK EVERYONE WHO DOESN'T AGREE WITH ME!! YOUR ALL A BUNCH OF JEWISH COCKSUCKERS!
That wouldn't be cool!