Sunday, December 12, 2010

Satellite Television.

 I've got one of them t.v.'s that makes any man's dick hard.  It's like 9000 sq inches.  It's one big motherfucker.  I get like 13,000 channels that I love to watch.  My lord I love my television!  After buying this television, I almost gave up women.  Ok ok ok.  Women gave me up.  Thats another story for another time.
   I go to work this morning looking forward to a great day.  I've got things to do all day but in the back of my mind I know I'm going to get home and enjoy watching the Dallas Cowboys vs. the Philadelphia Eagles on the ole HD TV.  Lord above knows I love football!
    I get home.  I make some dinner.  I check some emails.  I kick back on the couch as the wife and kid decide to make their ways to the bedroom while i watch some rough and tough NFL football!  They know better then to fuck with me while a football game is on t.v.  It's during the local news that i notice my television is starting to fuck up.  I scratch my head.  I scratch my ass.  I'm thinking what in God's name is going on?  
  About this time my good old t.v. decides to act like it's a 3D t.v. with all of the weird shit you see without 3D glasses.  I get up and look at the t.v.  I check out the receiver.  I smack the receiver.  NOTHING!  NOT a goddamn thing is going on.  I look at the t.v. once again.  I smack the t.v.  NOTHING!  NOT a goddamn thing is going on. 
   It's then I remember that I've got two brand new receivers that I haven't hooked up yet.  At this time I decide to get all electronic and hook up the new receiver.  Doing good here boys!  Looking like a champ!  I'm excited!  I drink some beer!  Now I'm done.  The new receiver is all hooked up and I'm stoked for my results.  I click on the t.v.  NOTHING!!! What in God's name is going on?  It's got to be almost halftime of the football game.  I'm losing valuable time here people!
  Now I'm desperate.  I'm sweating here.  I'm wondering what the fuck to do.  Thats it!  I smack the t.v. and receiver again.  NOT a goddamn thing!  LORD ABOVE HELP ME!  With sweat running down my balls and tears down my cheeks I break down and admit I'm worthless.  I call the satellite company.   
    After I get through to the satellite company I get a recorded message wanting me to do this and do that.  NOW I'm pissed.  I've been on the fucking phone for 15 minutes listening to goddamn ABBA and now they want me to prompt a few buttons on my fucking phone!  SUCK MY DICK SATELLITE COMPANY!  So I wait.  I'm a pussy and I need my t.v. bad!
  Finally Blaine answers the phone.  It's then I realize that Blaine is a pickle sniffer from New Mexico.  How do I know?  The tulip tells me so!  He's walking me through some different options of what might be going on.  Lord knows I can't tell what the fuck he's saying because of his lisp.  Next thing you know Blaine decides to put me on hold so he can either get a flavored coffee or actually try and figure out whats going on with my fucking t.v.!
   Next thing you know I'm hearing some office music on my phone.  At this time I yell at the top of my lungs... FUCK ME RUNNING!  I start to whimper.  My day is going to shit real fast I tell you!  (Sorry for all the screaming and yelling. I'm upset here)  Blaine comes back on and tries to walk me though some steps.  At this time I here him giggle like a fucking school girl.  I ask him whats going on.  He replies that he just found the newest Justin Bieber song on KAAZAA.  Now I'm really pissed.
  He tells me what to do.  I do it... NOTHING!  He lisps to me he's sorry.  I tell him to fuck off. End of story!  I hang up.  Now I'm really pissed.  I've got things to watch.  I've got things to see.  I've got a life to lead damnit!
  I go back and start hitting my t.v. and receiver again.  Still nothing.  It's then after 3 beers and some crying I call the satellite company back again.  It's time to wait on the phone again for like 20 minutes.  At least this time I can hear some Peaches and Herb tunes now.  God bless the early 80's and it's music of love.
  I'm waiting on hold and waiting on hold.  Then theirs some waiting on hold.  About this time I'm thinking of all the great shows I'm missing.  Like the Iranian National Midget Wrestling Association.  Like the Italian Nude Fat Ladies Cooking Show.  Then theres the Brazilian Pussy Wax-Off.  Last but not least....  From Germany you have the fantastic show of.. 4 Whores and a Nun.  It's a undercover police show.  My lord above I love them whores!
   HOLY FUCKING MOLY!  A voice comes across the phone.  She says.... "Hello my name is Isabel, How can I help you?"  It's then I'm thinking is that my friend Steve Boss's lovely wife?  She working for the satellite company now?  Can she get me 300 more free channels?  Can she get me free porn?  LIZ help me!
   As I'm caught in my dreams of free t.v. I hear this voice again.  "Hello this is Isabel, how can I help you?"  I say... Well hello Liz!  How you doing?  She says..."This is Isabel how can I help you?  I say can you fix my t.v.?  She tells me that she can do what ever it takes.  I say thank you Liz.  I can tell she's shaking her head on the other end of the phone. 
  After about 10 minutes of her walking me through messing with the remote, Isabel has me all set up.  It's then I tell her I'll marry her to make sure she's a Citizen of These United States of America.  About that time she let's me know she was born in Kansas City, Kansas and doesn't need my pathetic help.  I thank her and smile as we both hang up the phone.
   Now it's time to tune to channel 793 for the newest episode of Giraffes mounting Humpback Whales.  God bless satellite television!

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