Wednesday, December 15, 2010

The Anatomy of Being a College Football Coach.

Let's play a game here.  Were playing the game of being a head coach in the NCAA Division 1.  Were not talking about some pussy conference like the WAC, Conference USA, Mountain West and others.  Were a newly hired head coach in a Bowl Championship Series school.  
   The first thing your going to do is create a top notch coaching staff.  You might have to sacrifice some up front money of your own but it will be well worth it.  Go down and look at who's your boosters.  Find out who the top 100 donor's are.  Get aquainted with them fast.
   We're going to say your coaching in a smaller state with two major college programs in it.  You've been the red-headed step brother for years on end.  It's time to stop that!  Let's get to the next level!  It's time to get on that bus with fellow coaches and tour the state your coaching in.  Time to convert the believers and non-believers into your system, your dreams, your work ethic!
   Now it's time to look over your returning roster.  Your looking up and down the list of players you have.  You notice a few things.  There is no speed, size, talent or depth on this team.  Time to get to work!  Now it's time to send your coaches into recruiting overdrive.  Time to get some commitments who will make an immediate impact for the "program".  You start at the JUCO level and get either an impact quarterback or runningback.  Also while at the JUCO level you find an immediate impact player at either defensive end or linebacker.  
   As your coaches are out on the trail trying to get players you go back on the "chicken and beer" fundraising circuit.  You never beg about money!  It's time to sell yourself and your ideas of what a top notch program is and can be.  Shake a few hands.  Sign a few autographs.  Take a few pictures.  Have a few drinks.  Tell a few stories.  Get the donors to believe in you!
   Your back from kissing ass and it's time to work some more.  You've still got 8 months till your first game but you have major work to do.  Time to hit the highschool athletes.  You live and coach in a small state.  You look at all medium to large highschools and start talking to their head coaches.  You shake a few hands with the coaches and don't be afraid to hand out some free tickets to your major college football games.  Is this legal?  Who the fuck cares!  Just do it!
  Find the best players in your state and get in their homes to kiss momma and daddy's ass.  Promise them the world.  If they are good enough, time to call the booster who you know cares about the University and "program".  Now it's time to meet with your biggest boosters. Find a big ass room to sit the top 100 boosters for your athletic program in.  It's time to sell yourself again.  
   Kiss their ass and tell them thanks for everything they have done in the past and will do in the future.  Tell them your plans and what's going to happen with your program with their help.  Now it's time to really turn on your sales pitch!  Tell them if they want this program to turn the corner you are going to need some financial help from them.  More then what they are donating.  Tell them that the cross state rival has this going on.  Tell them the cross state rival is making great strides with it's booster program.  About this time they should be on the edge of their seats.
   You ask all 100 boosters to kick in $5000.00 each. If your lucky, you'll get between 200 and 300 boosters to kick in.  That's not a bad thing.  You can work on the others at a later date.  Were going to say that 250 kicked in $5000.00 each.  That gives you $250,000.00 to work with.  Now were in business!
   You and your top recruiting assistant are now going to be flying all over the fucking country looking for some major college football talent. We're going to California, Florida and Texas mostly.  Thats where all the talent is!  Next in line is Ohio, Pennsylvania, Georgia and Louisiana.  Time to work boys!!! Time to get some meat for our program!
   I don't give two flying fucks if this kid we're recruiting is the 30th best player in Texas.  He's got NFL potential!  I could care less if the kid is from a broken home in Florida!  Now it's time to help momma out with her bills.  We've got the cash cow back home needing to be spent.  We get our best salesman in that poor bastards house that can't afford heat, electricity or a car.  Now it's time to help that poor family out.  I know I know I know he's 6'2 235lbs and can run the 40 in 4.3.  We need to help his momma!  
   Next thing you know he signs with us and his momma is living in a brand new double wide trailer!  God bless us for caring about her!  We love her and we've promised to take care of her son.  We've got our recruits now.  Time for the season to start.  We've got the 4 toughest schedule in America.  That's ok...  We're working hard here.  Season's over and we've finished with a 5-7 record.  Not good but actually encouraging.  
   Our new recruits are looking better each and every day.  Our redshirt freshman quarterback can't get to class because it's to cold outside for him to walk.  Well hell we've still got $80,00o sitting in our bank roll.  It's time to get him a Ford 4x4 pickup.  WE don't want him to get stuck in the snow.  Thats what everyone wants in the "program"!
   The next season you knock off the cross state rival and end up with 7 wins and a bowl game.  Son your getting a contract extension!  Life is good!  Boosters are picking up checks everywhere.  Recruits love the cold weather where we live!  You kick it back and hit 4 more bowl games with one conference title.  Uh oh!  Now were getting investigated.  You jump ship to a MAJOR college program and tell everyone you have no idea whats going on!  
   This my friends is how to run a football program with recruiting!  Get your players at any cost and worry about it later.

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