Tuesday, November 9, 2010

The family burden.

  It's a known fact that my mother's family came from southern Missouri.  So southern, that it was called Arkansas at times.  It's pretty clear that before 1940, our family tree didn't fork.  That fucker was a straight up trunk!
   Our heritage comes from the mountains of Tennesee. GO VOLUNTEERS!  PEYTON MANNING FOR PRESIDENT!  All that bullshit aside I've been going through our family tree.  After I got through the trunk I'm finally able to hit the branches.  I have some very smart people who come from our family.  Theres my grandfather Sam.  Theres my grandmother Maude.  My uncle Pete was a true gentleman.
  Years have gone by and all is good.  My immediate family moves to Iowa. It's an ok place to live.  Pretty much simple and cozy.  If you want some action, you have to make the trip to Des Moines for a good time.  My wife and I decide to go shopping a few weeks back and hit the big city of Des Moines.  We're hitting the suburbs for some good bargains when we hit the metropolis of Grimes.  Were looking around when I remember my baby brother Christopher lives in Grimes.
   I look at my beautiful wife and tell her to take me by Christopher's house.  (I have no idea how to get there because I drink while riding!)
  We get through the main traffic and we pull upside Christopher's house and I see my 5 year old nephew wearing a diaper and a shirt that says..."I like to poop myself!"  I'm thinking ..... "What the hell is that all about?"  We take a left around the house and theres my beautiful niece screaming at the top of her lungs.... "My dad is in the back pooping in the outside toilet"!  What the hell is going on here?  We pull around the backside of the house and I notice my brother is taking a shit on the outside toilet!  I look to his left and there sits a whiskey still.  What in God's name is going on here?
   We get out of the car to see whats going on when his beautiful wife walks out wearing a t-shirt saying.... "The boobies were made for lovin"!  Is my world falling apart?  I slap my brother and he comes around.  "What the fuck is going on" I ask?
   He tells me that he's been going through the family tree and has decided to become southern once again.  My lord he's a fucktard!  He tells me he's getting rid of his central air conditioning.  He's getting rid of his furnace.  He's thinking of becoming Amish and renaming himself Ish.  My lord he's getting more retarded every second I talk to him!
   I look at my lovely wife and tell her to get her ass in the car as fast as she can.  We run like two retarded school girls towards the car.  She falls down.  Of course I laugh then help her up.  My little brother keeps pooping in his outside toilet.  I HATE FAMILY!!!!  The wife starts the car up... About this time 43 chickens attack my corvette.  (0k ok 0k... My Dodge Avenger!)  I look at her and she looks at me then we mumble he  must be a farmer now...
    I get home safely and my mother calls me.  I'm thinking what the hell does she want?  She informs me that next weekend I have to go to my brothers for Thanksgiving Dinner.  At this time my wife and I are about ready to shit ourselves.  I guess he's having down home turkey. ( I pray it's not his own!)  All the fixins are on the menu.  I hope to God above his old ass will atleast clean up his outside toilet!
    Next thing you know he calls and invites me over.  I would of told him to fuck off if my beautiful mother wouldn't have called.  I kinda stammer and stutter about coming over.  Then he throws out the old guilt trip.... "If you haven't forgotten he says.... I've got a new hip."  It's then I remember he has his hip replaced.  I call his doctor and ask him how it went... The doctor proceeds to tell me that he replaced it with re-rod and duct tape!
      I hope you all have great experiences with your thanksgiving dinners.  I think I'll order a pizza and hide it in the car!

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