If I worked for ESPN.

   I think I've found my dream job.  I think this has been calling me for quite awhile now.  I'm ready to make the move.  Fame is calling me and I can't deny the world of my talents.  I'm thinking of becoming an on air celebrity for ESPN.
    I know I can interview.  I know I can be charming on television.  I know I've got a way with words.  I promise to ask the tough questions.  I promise to make sure I'm witty.  I might not be the best looking fellow in the world but thats o.k.  It's not about my looks it's about reporting the news of sports!
   Hell look at Chris Berman.  Have you ever seen Scott Van Pelt?  That's one goofy looking motherfucker I tell you!  Tom Jackson is as homely as they get!  I think my looks will fit right in with these fine contributor's of sports reporting.  I want to start out as a reporter who hits all of the ball games.  I want to be that person in the locker room reporting on wins and losses.  I want to show the world the other side of the athletes we love and hate.  I want to help people realize that there is more to athletes then meets the eye!
   After a few years of reporting around the world I would love to have my show where I ask the hard line questions to these athletes.  I want to make an impact in the sporting world!  Here are a few examples of what I would ask....   Mr.Yamsac:  Kobe could you answer this.  When you raped that gal in Colorado did you think it would cost you a million dollar ring for your wife?  KB: Well, I was not really doing anything wrong, it was mutual.  MRY:  It was a mutual rape?  Kobe there is no such thing!  Damnit!!  No such thing!!  KB: Let me explain!  MRY:  You can't even spell your name let along explain Kobe, this interview is over!
    Mr.Yamsac:  LeBron did you really have to do that retarded interview on ESPN to let the world know where you were going to play?  LJ:  Well Yammy, I wanted the world to know that I was commited to being a Miami Heat player.  Mr.Y: So your telling me Lebron that it had nothing to do with Cleveland being a shit city and Miami having some sweet ass and nice titties everywhere?  LJ:  No comment.
   Mr.Yamsac:  So Ben Rothlisberger, what were you thinking when you sexually assaulted a women for the third time in the last 3 years?  BR:  Well Yammy.  The first two times didn't go to well so I figured the third time was the charm!  I mean look at me.  I aint no fucking Brad Pitt.  Pussy is hard for me to get unless I take my 6'5" 260lbs body and force it on someone.
    Mr.Yamsac:  Your telling me Kirk Ferentz that you had no idea you coach a bunch of thugs at Iowa?  Your telling me that you thought they were all fine upstanding Christian kids playing for you?  What about the 30+ arrests in Iowa City over the last 5 years regarding your players?  KF: For the longest time I thought they were traffic tickets.  MrY:  What about the public intoxication, OWI's and drug offenses.  KF:  I'm usually asleep when that happens.  So in my defense I'm not there to witness these activities.  Mr.Y:  What about your team being accused of sexual harrasement?  KF:  To be honest here some of these coeds here at The University of Iowa do have some sweet asses.
   Mr.Yamsac:  Cam Newton your telling me that you had no idea that your father Cecil Newton was pimping your big ass out to play for pay?  CM:  I can honestly say that I had no idea.  Mr.Y:  Cam why is your nose growing now?  Mr.Y:  SO Cam how come your driving a new Merceded Benz?  CM:  It was a gift from my granny?  Mr.Y:  Nice comeback.
   Mr.Yamsac:  Brett Favre, did you or did you not send a picture of your wiener via text message to that hot chick?  BF:  Yammy, where I come that's called courtin.  I mean I think I love her.  Mr.Y:  Do you really love her Brett or her ass?  BF:  Don't forget her tits Yammy!
   After a few years of working hard interviewing some of these athletes I think I'll head to the play by play booth.  I've got to be honest.  I'm pretty fucking good at calling the obvious!  
I can see me working the booth throwing out some honest views.  Calling the game the only way I know how.  Making sure i get every move down to a science.  I'm here to entertain the public while making sure I call the games down the middle!
   My biggest worry is that I might be to goddamn honest.  I can see it now.  "Look at that motherfucker run!"  "My lord above that's got to be the longest fucking homerun I've ever seen hit!"  "Did you see that bastard hit that little fucker?"  "That motherfucker hit that pussy so hard his granny bruised!"  "I'll bet you 10bux that little cunt doesn't get up after that hit!"
   About this time I've got a feeling I'll be fired.  Oh well.  I've had my fun!  God Bless ESPN and my dream job!
    

Why in God's name did I do that?

  You ever been out to the bar with a few friends having a good time?  You ever been out to the bar and get a little drunk while with a few friends?  You ever go to the bar with a few friends and get drunker then you should have?  Me either.  LIARS!  FUCKING LIARS!
    Ya'll ever been out to the clubs with friends at like 7pm and start catching a buzz?  I know I have been.  Never EVER start at 7pm!!  Shit catches up to soon with you if you start that early.  If your going clubbing, go out at about 9 or 10pm.  Nothing earlier!  
    If you go earlier you'll get drunker then 4 monkey's trying to play football.  It's not a good thing to watch.  Infact, it's a sad thing to watch.  Hit the clubs about 9 or 10 and all will A OK.  Get to the club and scan the crowd.  It's your night to get laid and everything depends on your attitude and ability to work the crowd.  Scan up and down the bar.  Check each and every gal out that is sitting there.  Girls love to sit at the bar because they know that desperate men will buy them drinks all goddamn night long.
   Let them desperate motherfuckers do all of your petty work.  Let them spend their money on a pipe dreams and wishes!  Now it's time to start working your magic....   You talk a little bit with the women.  Going from chair to chair.  HOLY SHIT!!!!!  Here comes that nasty bitch with about 4 teeth to her name. Your cringing and holding back vomit in your mouth.  My lord above she's one nasty twat!
    It's getting later and your working your mojo.  Some are responding to it.  Some aren't.  They old addage for a salesman is that if you can work 10 prospects, you'll sell to 1.  Keep working motherfuckers keep working!
    Your at gal number 7 and you ask the bartender for a double Jack Daniels Rocks.  Nice drink my friend!  Great choice.  You work #7 and hope she gives in.  She's a fine looking woman with high cheek bones.  She's got an ass you can bounce quarters off of.  Her tits are pretty much perfect!  Dream girl here boys!
   NADA!  Not a goddamn thing going to happen here this night.  Nice work though.  You didn't spend a dime and you've moved on.  You belly up to #8 and talk for a bit.  You ask her if she'd like a drink.  She declines.  You order another double shot of Jack Rocks.  You work your mojo and she's not responding.  First thought is that she's a twisted cunt that needs to  be kicked in the heynannynoony!  NO DICE my friend!  
    Now you have 2 more Jack Daniels on the rocks and move on to #9... Even before you can open your mouth she tells you that she's an Olympic Shotput champion from Moscow that loves to eat fat chicks assholes.  I guess that's a strike out also.  I would have worked the shotput with asshole eating into a conversation but I guess that's me!
     You grab another Jack rocks and your feeling better then real good.  Your seeing birdies flying around singing "We are the world" and you've got your groove on!  Next stop is #10!!!  She's the bitch you noticed earlier and laughed at.  She was flossing her tooth with a goddamn rusty nail.  She's the gal who used a baseball bat as a tampon.  My lord your thinking she's look real good about this time!
    You approach her and order another jack rocks and whatever she wants.  She bats her one eye.  She tries to tuck her belly into her jean shorts.  My lord above she's looking damn good!  I mean she's fuckable from drink 5!  Ya'll get kinda nutty and the next thing you know your swapping spit at the bar.  She's into until the bartender tells you to squall her!  Tell her to settle down because she's got spittle running down her chin.  I guess the spit going through 4 teeth runs faster then a normal mouth.  
    Now your drunker then fuck and you want to blow a nut!  Let us pray that you can get it up.  Let us pray that you can even find your zipper.  Let us pray that you can even find her love hole!  JESUS CHRIST let's fuck like rabbit's your thinking!  She's smiling knowing your going to hammer home like Sammy Sosa during the homerun chase with Mark McGwire!
    You jump in bed!  She sucks your asshole!  You suck her asshole.  You spit out dingleberries.  That's ok!  Your getting laid!  You bend her over to fuck her from behind!  She farts!  Thats ok!  You'd rather have her do that then shit on you while she rides your cock.  You get your nut!  She hopefully gets her nut.  Time for sleepypie!  
    Your getting your 4 hours of sleep when you wake up.  OH MY LORD ABOVE! You think.  What the fuck have I done?  Well mister, you fucked a recovering crack whore from the inner city of New York City.  She's had multiple abortions.  She's been in the past a pole dancer at the local Elks Club.
    You look over at her and notice she has 4 teeth.  You notice that she's got shit ooozing from her pussy.  You notice that she's got snot running down her nose.  My god she's a beauty to take home to mother.  Moral of the story people is here!  Stay sober!  Stay smart!  Stay cool with who you are!  It's either that or your next adventure is fucking a homeless midget!  Your call holmes!
   

Good times at the nursing home.

  Each and everyday we get older.  It's going to happen.  It's either you get older or die.  Your choice I guess.  1950's actor James Dean always said. "Die young and leave a good looking corpse."  I say fuck that.  I want to live a long life.  I want to see my kids get married.  I want to travel all around the country and different parts of the world. (Not the shit hole countries!)
   I want to see grandkids come into the world.  I want to have sex with a porn star.  I don't give a shit if she's 75 years old.  She's still a porn star!  I want to go to the World Series.  I want to go to the Super Bowl.  I want to go to the BCS National Championship!  I want to I want to i want to!  I dont give a fuck what it is to do i know I want to!
   I know deep down it's going to get the best of me.  I'm thinking in my late 70's to early 80's my wife and kids will move me to a nursing home.  I don't know if I'll bitch or not.  I mean if this place has a t.v. in my room with 300 channels I might be ok.  If this place lets me drink beer till I fall asleep, I might be ok.  If this place gives massages twice a week with a 25 year old hot asian chick, I might be ok.  If I can get this asian chick to give me blow job twice a week, I might move there today!
   All I know is that I'm going to be the biggest asshole, pervert in the center.  I can see some nurse coming in to check in on me.  I act like I'm asleep and as she's walking out of my room I look up and say.."You come in here again cunt I stick my pole in your asshole!"  If that doesn't get a rise out of her then nothing will.  On the other hand, if I'm nice to her she might give me a hand job while I'm trying to sleep.  I wonder if i give her money if that will help?
   I want to be that old guy who walks up behind that little fucker and slaps him in the back of the head.  As soon as I do that, I take his pudding.  Fuck him I say!!  Fuck him!  I want to be that old guy who you see standing in the corner and your wondering what the hell is he doing. Wanna know what I'm doing?  I'm taking a piss!  Just to piss off the fucking janitor!  If he would have been smarter, he wouldn't have been a goddamn janitor!  SO FUCK HIM!
   I want to be that old guy sitting in the "non smoking" section when I light up a cigar then proceed to flick the ashes into the next dudes coffee.  I want to be that old fart that takes a shit in a garbage can then blames it on Alzheimers Disease.  I want to be that old motherfucker who tries to stick his finger up every nurses ass as they walk by.  I'm just checking for diseases!  Thats all I'm doing!
   I want to be that old fucker that walks into another female patients room and rubs my yamsac all across her lips because she pissed me off at bingo!  Then I take pictures of it and send it to her kids via email.
   I want to be that old son of a bitch that acts like he's asleep and everyonce in a while sits up and yells to the Old Folks Home's Director.  "Your momma was a whore!"  "I slipped my cock into your momma's asshole!"  You want to make sure you keep life fun!  Thats what I'm doing here people!
   I want to be that old prick that paints his balls blue then calls in the first year nurses aid to help him.  At this time I pull the blankets down and show her my blue balls.  It's then i say to her.... "They've missed you!"
   I want to be that bastard who sits at the table pulling shit out of his pants and throwing it at the stage during karaoke night!  I want to be that old prick who calls his kids up in the middle of the night and begs them to release me from the dog pound!  Then when they show up to check up on me at the nursing home I ask them.... "Who's brought the beer to this party?"
   I want to be that dude who calls his brother who is 11 years younger up and yell into the phone..."MOM LOVED ME BEST!"  I want to be that guy who is sitting in his room then calls his elderly wife and tells her... "I bet you can still suck a mean cock!"  I want to be that grandpa who looks at his grandson and tells him.... "MY LORD ABOVE!  "Your new wife has some sweet tits!"  I want to be that granddad who looks at his other grandson's new wife and says.... "You mind if I lick her where she pees?"
   I want to be that one old uncle who sits at his nephews wedding and shouts out to the crowd.  "NICE ASS ON THAT BITCH!"
    Before I die, I want to be that old crazy motherfucker who gets out of bed just before  death is about to hit me.  It's then I pop some viagra and wait till it gets hard.  At the precise moment I run down the hall screaming at the top of my lungs as I'm holding my hard cock........  "I WANT YOU TO MEET SENIOR PEEPEE!"  "I WANT YOU TO MEET SENIOR PEEPEE!"  "I WANT YOU TO MEET SENIOR PEEPEE!"   
    My lord above I can't wait till I get old!


    
     

What to do when shit happens?

  Yesterday and today I had the pleasure to do business with two women.  I've come to the firm conclusion that they were mother and daughter.  If I were to guess, I'd say the mother was somewhere around 85 to 90 years old.  The daughter I'd say was in her late 50's to early 60's.  
   They were in shopping and trying to figure out some Christmas gifts for family members.  The daughter is a non stop talker who won't shut her fucking mouth.  The mother is using a walker and slobbering all over the goddamn place.  Such a lovely couple here.
   They walk all over the store.  Daughter speaking in her loudest voice at a hundred miles per hour.  Mother walking like a fucking turtle knocking shit over with her walker.  My lord I love family bonding!  It's about this time I send one of the employees into the office to do some work before we close.  I take over the register.  Doing my job the best I can.  At this time, the loud mouth daughter and the geriatric mother are standing behind me looking at some merchandise.
   I try not to look but I can hear the daughter bitching, mumbling, bitching and mumbling.  I then look over and the mother is standing there behind her walker with a look of pain on her face.  I look away quick before she notices me staring at her.  As I'm looking away I'm thinking to myself.. "Is this woman going to die on me here at the register?"  "Is she going to fall over and the stupid daughter of her's not going to notice because she won't shut the fuck up?"
   I shake my head and look the other way again.  It's about this time I hear this low rumble from behind me.  It's a bbbbbbbbbrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrripppppp.  I turn around and that old bitch has a look of pain that I thought I was going to have to perform emergency surgery on her old ass.
   I turn away again.  I'm thinking to myself... "What the fuck was that sound?"  Then it dawn's on me that she farted.  Old cunt didnt even know she did it.  I laugh to myself.  If and when I get to that age I'm thinking I need to make sure that I take tons of "Beano" to not fart.
  A little bit goes by and daughter is still bitching and mumbling behind me.  Mother is half asleep leaning on her walker.  My Lord above life is grand here!  I'm either going to cut my wrists or drink myself to death if they don't leave soon.  I could feel the "GrimReaper" getting ready to take Mamma off to the promised land!
    It's then once again I hear this... bbbbbbbbbbrrrrrrrrrrrrrrriiiippppppp!   "What the fuck?" I'm thinking.  Once again I look over at the mother and this time I notice she's kind of half smiling.  I want to say so bad... "Did you just see baby jesus and you know the afterlife is a good thing?"    I kind of laugh to myself.  I'm thinking at this point I'm one funny motherfucker.  It's then it kicked me in the stomach.  This stench!  This fowl odor that lingers like death it's self.  I'm kind of getting sick to my stomach here.  I'm kind of feeling week in the knees.  I'm kind of wondering if this the same type of napalm shit they used in Vietnam?
    I don't know what the fuck that smell is but goddamn it sure is nasty I'm thinking.  About this time the loud mouth daughter screeches at her mother.  "Time to go Mom, lets get to moving!"  I'm thinking to myself.  "What a cunt."  About this time the Mother hobbles her cripple up old ass around to head for the door.  I'm thinking to myself .   It's about goddamn time.
   It's then I notice that dear old mother has shit herself in broad daylight in a public place.  She's got shit running down the back of her fucking pants!  To top it off the pants were white! The sad thing was, this wasn't a big ole turd in her pants.  It's one of times when you shit your pants and it's runny as all get out!  She could have shit through a screen door and never hit a fucking wire!  Goddamn the shit was running down her leg and the bitch didn't have a clue!  She didnt have a fucking care in the world.  
   She shit her pants and all she could think about was nap time!  She was going to go home and sip on some warm milk hoping that baby jesus doesn't call her name today.  LORD HAVE MERCY!  At this time I'm wanting to get on the intercom and start screaming at the top of my lungs.  DOODY ALERT!  DOODY ALERT!  DOODY ALERT!  I didn't.  My lord I'm a pussy!
    Long story short people.  If by chance you ever see me shit myself, put a bullet in me!  Make it quick!  

Buying for the nephew.

First of all I've a great brother.  He's married a fantastic woman named Amanda.  With this union, they have made two beautiful children.  There names are Aubree and Caden.  I love Aubree with all my heart but I have a hard time buying Christmas toys for girls.  Infact, I was blessed with two girls and I can't remember EVER buying them a Christmas present.
   Now back to my nephew.  He's like the coolest kid living today.  He's kinda stocky.  A good looking fellow if I must say.  He knows how to at the age of 5 to turn the charm on.  Hmmm... Kinda reminds me of me!!  
    My problem is this... What do I get the little fucker for Christmas!?!?  He's got about everything that can be thought of.  His mother is a Hawkeye.  His father is a Cyclone.  What the hell do I get the kid?  I'm torn between some cool Cyclone underoos.  I'm torn between some coll Hawkeye.... FORGET THAT SHIT!  WE ARE CYCLONES!  FUCK THE HAWKS!
   How about a Cyclone weather beacon!?  How about a Cyclone parking stall at Jack Trice Stadium?  What about my entire Cyclone collection of autographs?  FUCK THAT!  Little bastard needs to earn his own! 
    I'm wondering if he needs some new diapers but my wife keeps telling me that he's 5!  He doesnt need diapers! He needs something to keep him busy!  I'm thinking he needs a girlfriend to keep his ass busy.  I guess I was wrong according to my wife and daughters.  They tell me he's to young for some strange.  What the fuck do I know?!?!?
   I think I've figured out what to give young Caden.  Let's hope in his later years when I'm taking him to Cyclone game he can feel the love.  If not, I guess he'll get his ass over to eastern Iowa and feel the drug infested shit!  God Bless You Caden!  Forever and ever CYCLONES!

Christmas shopping!

 It's exactly one week till Christmas.  I'm not quite into the season cheer but that's ok.  I"ll get there soon enough.  I work in retail so I'm seeing each and every kind of individual shopping for the holiday's.  I've seen people with tons of money get stupid and try to buy the whole fucking store.  I've seen people on a "limited" budget get stupid and try to buy the whole fucking store.
   People at Christmas time get stupid.  I mean really fucking stupid!  I've seen people who think they are high rollers pretty much remortgage their homesteads to make sure their "popular" kid has the newest "Polly Pocket" or the newest Nintendo game!  I've seen people with no money get retarded by buying everything they can and then writing a check to cover the expenses.  The sad thing is that a week after Christmas I'm calling them or sending them a certified letter telling them that they have written me a check that is bad.
   As usual I hear all the lame ass excuses.  It's not my fault, it's the banks.  It's then I have to tell them I understand your plight but until you get it straightened out with your bank I need $350.00.  At this time I usually get a person who is cussing me out left and right.  It's then I have to tell them "I can relate to your problem and all but if you don't pay this money now I'm going to have to bring in the police."  It's usually about this time I get a "FUCK YOU ASSHOLE" and the phone hangs up.
   Now at about this time I've honestly gotten into my official "Christmas Spirit."  Till then that is.  It's when they start cussing me out about all of their shit that I start getting pissed.  I'm a calm man but some shit piss me off.  At about this time I get my list ready and start mailing off letters to the bad check people and the county attorney.  At this time I'm known as the worst prick to walk the planet.  "You ruined my Christmas!" They say.  
   This is kind of a sticky situation.  I can be calm or get really nutty with the patrons.  Most of the times I stay calm.  Then theres the few times when I lose it.  I call in the county attorney, the state DCI, the United States Marshalls and the FBI.  Long story short, don't piss me off when it comes to a bad check.
   Its then I hear all the sob stories.  Blah Blah Blah Blah.  Honestly I could give a fuck!  I know little Billy wanted a fucking G.I. Joe with the Kung Fu Grip.  I want want too!  The fact is I can  pay for it and your worthless ass can't!  If I couldnt afford it, I wouldnt try to buy it!  Simple as that you fucktard! It's time to make a budget and go with it.  Don't rely on your goddamn state's assistance for all of your needs.  Stop writing bad checks and pay with cash assholes!
   It's like this.  If your going to fuck with me by writing bad checks I'll make it simple for you. I'm going to put your skanky ass in jail.  Hmmmmm I wonder what Little Billy is going to think if mommy is spending 30 days in the county pokie?

Becoming a t.v. evangelist

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